It's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a… — Ritu Copy Share Image
'The Decay Of Lying' is a very interesting treatise. It was actually penned as a dialogue between two characters, Cyril and Vyvyan,… — Adrian Dunbar Copy Share Image
Axone', of course, was on racism, but it was also a kind of representation that hadn't happened ever before of the Northeast… — Sayani Gupta Copy Share Image
My opinions are like farts; So hard to hold em in, and when one slips everyones gonna know it and at least… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Shane's orgasmic contribution was an innovative and masterful variation on the theme of oh: “Oh...Oh...oh...oh...oh...oh...oh...oh...AH!” Stretching the waistband of my boxers I… — Gillibran Brown Copy Share Image
Mom, I'm doing my homework,I promise. LOL, JK. I just minimized Facebook and opened Google the second you walked in my room — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If I send you a text and you don'trespond, and then I see you update Facebook at the same time, you're dead… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Oh, come on. Don’t tell me you all have never been to Doveport? Our sister city across the sea?” “People don’t say… — Terrance Crawford Copy Share Image
“How many beers do y'all think it takes before one internationally scientist turns to another and says, 'Dude, bet you twenty bucks… — Robyn Schneider Copy Share Image
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
I wanted to be funny for people who didn't care about fashion at all, to just to kind of exist as a… — Ben Stiller Copy Share Image
In every John Waters book, you're like: 'Wait, how can this guy be so funny in a... book?' It's like you can… — Sarah Sherman Copy Share Image
“They have provided a system which for terse comprehensiveness surpasses Justinian's Pandects and the By-laws of the Chinese Society for the Suppression… — Herman Melville Copy Share Image
The novels I planned to write were never going to be funny books about Jews. They were going to be country house… — Howard Jacobson Copy Share Image
I can't relate to lazy people. We don't speak the same language. I don't understand you. I don't want to understand you. — Kobe Bryant Copy Share Image
“Jake fried up the fish, cooked rice with garlic, cilantro and green onions. Someday he was going to make some woman a… — Josh Lanyon Copy Share Image
I think my speeches are hilarious. I think I'm a natural comedian, but I like denying people the chance to laugh. I… — Lydia Lunch Copy Share Image
“Over the coun-ter, she might let you mount-her, but in the morning, there’ll be no more whoring, as its off to the… — Sarah Hall Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You were crying, and I couldn’t tell if it was because you were sad or because… — Dora J. Arod Copy Share Image
When you see things upside down, the ego can be extraordinarily funny; it's absurd. But it's tragic at the same time. — Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu Copy Share Image
Somewhere around the place I've got an unfinished short story about Schrodinger's Dog; it was mostly moaning about all the attention the… — Terry Pratchett Copy Share Image
So OK, it's your special big Four-O birthday But don't expect me to be obsequious and fawning You, being you, can't possibly… — John Walter Bratton Copy Share Image
“I don't care." - Bakura "I'm not going to kill you, just destroy you a little. Geez, talk about overreacting!" - Marik… — Little Kuriboh Marik and Bakura Copy Share Image
“It's airline policy not to imply ownership in the event of a dildo. Use the indefinite article. A dildo. Never your dildo.… — Chuck Palahniuk Copy Share Image
Friends: ask you why you're crying? Best friends: Already have a shovel ready to bury the loser that made you cry. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thinking about the first person ever to get drunk. People must have been like, COME QUICK! JEREMIAH HAS BEEN STRICKEN WITH AWESOME! — Kendrick Cole Copy Share Image
Flea markets are fun because they are the ultimate treasure hunt. Be open to the fact that you never know what you'll… — Lara Spencer Copy Share Image
There were a lot of R&B groups that were my heroes, but the funny thing about my career and the way it… — Frankie Valli Copy Share Image
Some people say If you cant beat them, join them. I say If you cant beat them, beat them, because they will… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
GROUP:INSULTS TEXT: It's funny when the dumbest, most selfish, childish person you know, tells people to Grow up they must know that's… — Varsha Sharma Copy Share Image
America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin For one dollar and use it up in two… — John Barrymore Copy Share Image
“Miss Vida" Liam said "has anyone never told you that you are positively the whipped cream on the sundae of life?" She… — Alexandra Bracken Copy Share Image
I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.' — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
He's a boating enthusiast, although that phrase seems too weak to describe the level of his interest, kind of like describing someone… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years, but… — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
I don't like when you necessarily know that this is the end of the movie. I like when a movie ends abruptly.… — Noah Baumbach Copy Share Image
Whatever I did, I always gravitated toward trying to be funny. If I was with friends, we were joking around. If I… — Colin Jost Copy Share Image
After 'Crocodile Dundee,' I turned down lots of stuff, most of it where I'd play the girlfriend of some funny man. — Linda Kozlowski Copy Share Image
