I'm definitely guilty of thinking something is funny but thinking the audience won't. Then three years later I will finally try it… — Ron White Copy Share Image
“Her lips taste like mint from toothpaste or gum, or sometimes like cherries or grapes from her lip gloss. She's soft when… — Susan Vaught Copy Share Image
I like Taylor Swift a lot. She has really fun, catchy songs. It's so funny: I always say any guy that's gonna… — Rozonda Thomas Copy Share Image
Ive been fighting to be who I am all my life. Whats the point of being who I am, if I cant… — SD Lennox Copy Share Image
It is a blessed thing that in every age someone has had the individuality enough and courage enough to stand by his… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele - should be fun - and to stop taking… — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
Ladies and Gentlemen, we're about to begin boarding. If we could ask for your cooperation, please stay seated until you row has… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked… — Bauvard Copy Share Image
I like that people try to be funny even though there not because it's so much easier to be an ass hole… — Merle Anthony Rowland Copy Share Image
I gave my heart to the Lord, and I remember the incident vividly. The Lord spoke to me. I know that sounds… — Jimmy Swaggart Copy Share Image
My bank lets me send a text message and it'll text back with my balance. It's a cool feature but I didn't… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It (LSD) opened my eyes. We only use on-tenth of our brain. Just think of what we could accomplish if we could… — Paul McCartney Copy Share Image
U think I'm jealous of u??? Well yes I am coz if I would b a boy I could have never gotta… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready… — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
I love my 'Survivor's Remorse' cast. They are so funny and crazy, like a big dysfunctional family. It's so much fun, and… — Teyonah Parris Copy Share Image
The last person they expected to connect with a screenplay was the comedic, blonde actress with the funny voice. — Joey Lauren Adams Copy Share Image
Went for a birthday party of mah friend..enjoyed alotz..and asked him for what he want as a gift..and he replyed 'YOUUUU paying… — Raghav Singh Copy Share Image
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“There is an enduring freshness in what remains strange and obscure which the cliches of greatness can only evoke nostalgia for.” — Bauvard Copy Share Image
“What's so funny?' asked Dimitri, looking down at me with amusement. 'I'm just thinking about what Lissa would say if we still… — Richelle Mead Copy Share Image
We had times in '66 and '67 when we would pick up a platoon of privates out of the receiving barracks the… — R. Lee Ermey Copy Share Image
Thank you for calling customer service. If you're calm and rational, press 1. If you're a whiner, press 2. If you're a… — Randy Glasbergen Copy Share Image
Q: can yu please answer mine ? I'm very confused.. A: I'll do more advice after a little bit of Ask The Admin.(: — Anonymous Copy Share Image
In Western Australia they don't even know how to make that vital piece of sailboating equipment, the gin and tonic. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Long before the word Zionism was uttered for the first time, old religious Jews came from all over the world to die… — George Mikes Copy Share Image
A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How… — Frank Carson Copy Share Image
You know your childhood is pretty much over when you fall asleep on the couch, and wake up on the f*cking couch. — Psyche_Zeroh Copy Share Image
My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there. — Ron Richards Copy Share Image
Hate when I'm around old people in they say pull up them pants...I can see your ass...im like damn bitch u dont… — IG:caonte_2_funny Copy Share Image
Sometimes I'm just a sorry away from you. You can simply apologize and hold paitence meanwhile it gets me some time to… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
No one wants to read a story where I saw a cute puppy on the street and I petted it. I mean,… — Tucker Max Copy Share Image
One frequently only finds out how really beautiful a really beautiful woman is after considerable acquaintance with her; and the rule applies… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
The funny thing is, I sometimes get the impression that some people outside of the field think that there's some element of… — Brian Greene Copy Share Image
“...I guess I can put two and two together." "Sometimes the answer's four," I said, "and sometimes it's twenty-two...” — Dashiell Hammett Copy Share Image
I think that all those women that I look up to so much just ground their comedy in realism and don't try… — Molly Gordon Copy Share Image
What amazes me with 'Will & Grace' fans is how young they are and how straight they are. The guys always come… — Leslie Jordan Copy Share Image
Old age has the last word: the purely naturalistic look at life, however enthusiastically it may begin, is sure to end in… — William James Copy Share Image
It's quite funny. I grew up with my mother: as a designer, she was always working, and I actually used to say… — Emilia Wickstead Copy Share Image
“Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write… — Lili St. Crow Copy Share Image
