Admit it, you love him so much you Facebook stalk him, overthink your status in case he reads them & look at… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
There is no difference between religion and politics. Both involve lies and fanatical beliefs that generaly defy logic... Just like rock climbing. — David Schuller Copy Share Image
“Wait, is this a nice-ish way of telling me we had sex and I was lousy? That's how you can tell I'm… — Molly Harper Copy Share Image
By nature, my default place is a very introverted one, so it's funny to be in such an extroverted profession. I'm a… — Elizabeth Marvel Copy Share Image
When I watch movies with my kid like 'Shrek,' I'm like, 'Wow, this is pretty funny.' That's why I wanted to start… — Michael Pena Copy Share Image
I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good… — Colin Quinn Copy Share Image
STERILISE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Movies require a lot of patience. I like instant results. If I have done something that's not funny at all, the audience… — Vir Das Copy Share Image
When I'm bored on my day off I like to call in sick to places I don't work for.. Today I'm getting… — John Vercetti Copy Share Image
If you are not prepared, you cannot work out intensely. If you do not perform, you cannot get results, and if you… — Kerri Walsh Copy Share Image
I want to make my name on facebook nobody so when I see somebody post something stupid I can like it and… — Unknow Copy Share Image
When everything is in abundance, dispassion happens. And when dispassion is there, everything comes in abundance. — Sri Sri Ravi Shankar Copy Share Image
“Ah well. When in Vegas, ignore the douches, let the good times roll, and always carry a spare set of panties in… — Lila Monroe Copy Share Image
I don't need a psychiatrist to prod into my personal life and make me tell them all my secrets, I have my… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The funny thing is I'm actually really insecure. I have a lot of girl issues - 'I'm not pretty enough,' 'I'm not… — Lindsay Pearce Copy Share Image
If you cry ''Forward'' you must be sure to make clear the direction in which to go. Don't you see that if… — Anton Chekhov Copy Share Image
I had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
So to me, Texas Hold 'em puts me to sleep. At least when you play stud, you can be funny as you… — Joseph Bologna Copy Share Image
Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt… — Berkeley Breathed Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him.… — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that… — Don Rickles Copy Share Image
So that's why one of my rules of parody writing is that it's gotta be funny regardless of whether you know the… — Al Yankovic Copy Share Image
“Well," Carole said, turning in her seat, "after being fingerprinted and being given a lie detector test, I'll never complain again about… — Stephanie Bond Copy Share Image
In the primary school, I was an outstanding student. My teacher would send me to stand outside of the class as a… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
I saw something stupid in the paper today. A new alarm clock that makes no noise. It's for people who don't like… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
It's a funny thing: people often ask how I discipline myself to write. I can't begin to understand the question. For me,… — Barbara Kingsolver Copy Share Image
10 Facts About You: 1. You're reading this. 2. You're realizing this is a stupid fact. 4. You didn't notice I skipped… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“They were Republicans, Nixon Republicans, and so didn't subscribe to the notion that laws are supposed to apply to all people equally.” — Bill Bryson Copy Share Image
“And maybe . . . maybe he’ll even get more comfortable having me around. Open up, wanna chat more, and we’ll become… — T.L. Martin Copy Share Image
It's so extremely funny when people try to be cool around certain people.. And they are just embarrassing themselfs.. — Jasmine Copy Share Image
“I'm not everyone's cup of tea, because I'm a kick butt cappuccino with extra milk fluff and chocolate sprinkles!” — Jennifer White - Strong Heart Awakening Copy Share Image
It's funny that I love golf so much because I'm not usually drawn to things I'm not so good at. It's all… — Tessa Virtue Copy Share Image
“Well I'm not going to hope that you get hurt, but if you do, remember that you're my damsel in distress, and… — Claire LaZebnik Copy Share Image
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“I know what you mean. I usually take it out on my older sister. You can lease her for a weekend or… — Hayden Thorne Copy Share Image
“I had no idea what time it was, but I felt boneless and it would take an act of God to get… — Jennifer L. Armentrout Copy Share Image
