“Sexually active? Sexually active ? Patrick and I hadn't even learned the fine points of kissing yet! I marched on down. 'For… — Phyllis Reynolds Naylor Copy Share Image
I direct with energy. I believe in energy. I think energy is an electric thing in actors. I try to inspire, encourage,… — Matthew Lillard Copy Share Image
As soon as I arrive at the house, Laurie starts running, hits my chest, knocks me down, and licks my face. It's… — Beverly Sills Copy Share Image
It's funny, because it's always been a dream of mine to play in the NFL, but I was concerned about the games… — Philip Rivers Copy Share Image
A lot of people didn't know I was doing Broadway. They thought I was one of those guys who was famous for… — Orson Bean Copy Share Image
That moment when two strangers are talking about your favorite movie and you're dying to join their conversation. — Itsme867 Copy Share Image
“The silent horror of Archie's ordeal had been temporarily replaced by the howling, agonising pain of the blood refusing to drain from… — Dylan Perry Copy Share Image
“Are you Darah, Renee or Taylor? You look like a Taylor to me," he said, looking me up and down. I wasn't… — Chelsea M. Cameron Copy Share Image
“Anna took his hand to gauge the swelling. 'Let's at least put something cold around it. Frozen peas work pretty well.' 'Do… — Antonia Michaelis Copy Share Image
The townspeople outside the reservations had a very superior attitude toward Indians, which was kind of funny, because they weren't very wealthy;… — James Welch Copy Share Image
But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“What did the mat say to the door? You must be really aDOORable to open up to everyone who knock at you.… — Ana Claudia Antunes Copy Share Image
My mother is very funny. She is from a village; she has a typical village kind of humour. Often she says a… — Kapil Sharma Copy Share Image
Principle: Fire drill, everyone ina single line! Me: Get real, no one's going to form a single line if the building was… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
'Silence Kid' starts with a broken classic-rock intro. It's funny to hear us do that. Obviously, we weren't skillful rock stars. Then… — Stephen Malkmus Copy Share Image
“In my defense, the Easter Bunny is the weakest link in magical lore. I mean, you have to admit that the whole… — Autumn Doughton Copy Share Image
I just killed a spider and there's blood everywhere because the spider was on my wife's face. I'm a murderer, guys. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The… — Frank Carson Copy Share Image
You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
“I remembered the last time I put this thing into my eye it was more painful than watching old political speeches while… — John Zakour Copy Share Image
I've got a bunch of books... I rely on funny books and movies to cheer me up. Oh, but I must say,… — Wendi McLendon-Covey Copy Share Image
When your exes see youu happy,moving on with someone else... THAT'S when they want to wiggle their way back into your life. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
“Some men would not still be HIV negative or alive, if they had managed to sleep with some of the women with… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train. — George Burns Copy Share Image
The funny thing about children is that, whichever room we're in, that's where they'll be. If I'm in the bath, they'll want… — Keeley Hawes Copy Share Image
“It goes without saying that even those of us who are going to hell will get eternal life—if that territory really exists… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“But we left camp after a while and we was driving in a real spooky place cause all the roads up near… — Timothy Victor Richardson Copy Share Image
This funny little film we did called 'Sharknado' has caused so much buzz, I would have never imagined. It's literally caused more… — Cassie Scerbo Copy Share Image
Sometimes people get mad at The Simpsons' subversive story telling, but there's another message in there, which is a celebration of making… — Matt Groening Copy Share Image
It's funny because unlike back in the seventies when I made hardly any money, today I could just live off the past… — Mick Rock Copy Share Image
A lot of female comedians will go up there in a sweatshirt and Converses, trying to dress themselves down, because it is… — Carly Craig Copy Share Image
Man is born for uprightness. If a man lose his uprightness and yet live, his escape from death is mere good fortune. — Confucius Copy Share Image
“Zeb was kindergarten teacher--a good one. I always thought it was because he was the same emotional age as his students.” — Molly Harper Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn't notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway.” — Michael Summers Copy Share Image
I always thought there were two kinds of males in the world: the ones who look good naked and the ones who… — David Hewlett Copy Share Image
Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for the night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
