We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
“That is a horrid temptation to put before a man who is forbidden to make vigorous movements,” he said. “Is it really?”… — Loretta Chase Copy Share Image
“Divination is turning out to be much more trouble than I could have foreseen, never having studied the subject myself.” — J.K. Rowling Copy Share Image
I'm opening up my heart to the idea of dating. It's funny - my friends would always come to me for romantic… — Olivia Wilde Copy Share Image
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. -- On your lips, color to enhance your beauty. On his collar, color only a tramp would wear! — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I'm not saying that I'm on some crusade to change people's minds. I'm just doing what I do. I'm a comedian, I'm… — Maz Jobrani Copy Share Image
*Son walks in on dad in the shower* Son: Dad what's that hairy thing between your legs Dad: Well son that's the… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It's hard to say you're a comedian because that is almost an admittance that you're funny, and if you say that, you… — Alex Brooker Copy Share Image
I wish I could blame my failure on my integrity & refusal to play bullshit games. But the truth is I just… — Stephen Schneider Copy Share Image
Hysterically funny, amazingly talented people. That's what I think of when I think of Canada. That, and cold beer. And mountains. — Richard Patrick Copy Share Image
I'm always getting a lot of second looks. People look at me funny. It's like, 'Are you from a different planet?' — Shawn Bradley Copy Share Image
That's what people forget about, is that when things are very, very powerful in a sad way, they have that possibility of… — Joel Grey Copy Share Image
“You're supposed to be a spirit of intellect. I don't understand why you're obsessed with sex." Bob's voice got defensive. "It's an… — Jim Butcher Copy Share Image
First and foremost when you're doing comedy, you gotta be relevant and applicable to the times that you're living in. When you… — Adam McKay Copy Share Image
Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
I mean, I'm married first of all to one of, if not the most wonderful women in the world. She is everything… — Seal Copy Share Image
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It's not like a murderer will come in thinking I'm gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, she's under… — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
Drinking this bottle will give you the power to FLY IN YOUR SOCKS, MOONWALK ON WATER & SURF GREAT WHITES WITHOUT A… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
There's so many funny things to say about being with Charlotte. I've worked on a few bits about it - not to… — Gad Elmaleh Copy Share Image
I hate when people assume I'm crazy & delusional rather than brave when I'm out fighting crime in my Superman costume. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Your crush comes online. You: omg omg omg his online ahh :) *you chat him* Hi Facebook: This person is offline you… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
If you can't go to sleep quickly, I suggest reading a school textbook in bed. I guarantee you will be out in… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Some people get into comedy because they love comedy. Then there are people who have a message and have realised that if… — Aisling Bea Copy Share Image
Necessarily may it not be said catastrophe the burying of cities into the depths of the Ocean, bursting of the Earth, disasters… — Mak_786 Copy Share Image
“You read a book for the story, for each of its words," Gordy said, "and you draw your cartoons for the story,… — Sherman Alexie Copy Share Image
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind -- a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
You should never pick up a newspaper when you're feeling good, because every newspaper has a special department, called the Bummer Desk,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I did work in a bakery for one day. But the boss went off and when he came back I was lying… — Noel Fielding Copy Share Image
I'm a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear… — Gabriel Iglesias Copy Share Image
Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaagghhh!!' and everyone just stares at you.… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
France in August when you can travel through the entire country without encountering a single pesky Frenchman or being bothered with anything… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
'SIT AND STUDY' - This stunt is performed by experts under controlled conditions. Don't try this at home or anywhere. :P — Abhishek Tiwari Copy Share Image
It's funny because 'Felicity' didn't have a huge following, but the following it did have is hugely devoted, so people who are… — Ian Gomez Copy Share Image
Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn't get elected, he'd go back… — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
I feel that I owe a lot to SpongeBob and all Bikini Bottom for helping me figure out what I thought was… — David Dobrik Copy Share Image
I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted… — Dolly Parton Copy Share Image
“You cannot expect a man to love you, but not because of your body or physical construction. It is like giving a… — M.F. Moonzajer Copy Share Image
Okayy, I feel like I'm blowing up your newsfeed with things from my summer bucket list. Sorry! I'm done for now:P hahaha — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Funny enough, apart from when I was at school, I've always gone out with younger men - I was even married briefly… — Arlene Phillips Copy Share Image
I think I might vote for Barack Obama. Because I live in New York City and have been giving black guys change… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
