If life gives you lemons don't make a fucking lemonade take the shitty lemons and throw them at the assole who's making… — Peta-Gaye Clark Copy Share Image
Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Coleman Jacoby and Arnie Rosen won an Emmy and Mel Brooks didn't! Niezsche was right! There is no God! There is no… — Mel Brooks Copy Share Image
I love storytellers. When I was growing up, my inspirations were watching Eddie Murphy, Dennis Wolfberg, and Louie Anderson. These guys were… — Jo Koy Copy Share Image
If you're not going to love the Spurs, just don't talk smack to me about it. And if you're going to talk… — Michelle Beadle Copy Share Image
EXTREMELY FUNNY! A SUPER-VIRTUOSO! I expected to enjoy 'The Two and Only,' but I didn't expect to be touched, much less to… — Terry Teachout Copy Share Image
His wardrobe was extensive--very extensive--not strictly classical perhaps, not quite new, nor did it contain any one garment made precisely after the… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed. I miss teleporting. It never happens to… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I smack myself in the forehead. “Holy priceless collection of Etruscan snoods, they’re not moving!” I exclaim. There’s a choking noise over… — Karen Marie Moning Copy Share Image
It may sound funny to others, but there is a sense of freedom when I am able to live on my own,… — Soha Ali Khan Copy Share Image
Dear Electricity, They're just using to u so that they can turn me on Sincerely, Computer. Dear Computer, They're using u to… — Arashi Copy Share Image
I wonder why¦ When theres something you dont want to do, you suddenly want to clean¦ but once you start cleaning, it… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
And on nearby islands, the Japanese army was eating raw fish. We felt sorry for them. We didn't know that in America… — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
Ironing boards are a classic example of something I find horrible about modern society: the excitementation, for want of a better word,… — Daniel Radcliffe Copy Share Image
Did you know that the Stegosaurus lived further away from the Tyrannosaurus Rex than we are from the Tyrannosaurus Rex in time? — Jonah Peretti Copy Share Image
I think there's a notion in our society, and it may be valid, that people aren't as funny when they get older.… — Phil Hartman Copy Share Image
She never sat down in a car but stood, braced tense, facing the wind. Now and again she would turn her face… — Mazo de la Roche Copy Share Image
'Ex-Boyfriend' is a really funny story that is that much funnier when you have visuals attached to it as opposed to just… — Lil Dicky Copy Share Image
My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know you?' — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If you play it straight it's funny - the best comedy is always played straight down the middle. The adjustment is understanding… — Tom Hiddleston Copy Share Image
If you think about it he world s one big testicle and all the people are the crabs and all the skyscrapers… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Without discussing it with his mother, Anton went up to his teacher, Miss Katballe, and informed her that after seven years he… — Carsten Jensen Copy Share Image
If you take relationship advice from Taco Bell hot sauce packets...Congratulations, you have reached rock bottom. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Cover me!' Augustus said as he jumped out from behind the wall and raced toward the school. Isaac fumbled for his controller… — John Green Copy Share Image
It Doesn't Matter How Hard Or Bad Ass You Are... When A Toddler Hands You Their Ringing Toy Cell Phone, You'll Still… — Pacifiersucker Copy Share Image
You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school.… — Bill Watterson Copy Share Image
I would love to get with somebody who knows the fundamentals of making the movie, then get my money up and start… — Obie Trice Copy Share Image
Remind me," he paused, drawing in a stuttered gasp, "to never piss you off again. Christ, are you secretly a ninja? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
He wrote himself into the role of Dolly. Dolly was hilariously funny and didn't know it. And that's what Thornton Wilder was.… — Carol Channing Copy Share Image
Dear gay men,Please stop being so much kinder,funnier, & more attractive than straight men. Its quite depressing.Sincerely, all single women — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I know. I'm lazy. But I made myself a New Years resolution that I would write myself something really special. Which means… — Catherine O'Hara Copy Share Image
You’re not going to be a 1.000 hitter all the time. You’re going to be more wrong than right. You just have… — Les Wexner Copy Share Image
“It does not mean you are not awesome, if no one ever appreciates your beauty. But I can see that, in your… — M.F. Moonzajer Copy Share Image
Women fake headaches to get out of sex with a man, and a man will risk getting a Viagra headache to have… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
The funny thing about this business is the only time I get praised is for being critical, but I don't want that… — Cris Collinsworth Copy Share Image
With Portlandia, I don't think our intention is always to find something funny. Sometimes the humor comes from taking something really seriously.… — Carrie Brownstein Copy Share Image
I'm a bug on acting, which distinguishes Second City from a lot of other revues. It comes from the character, the behavior,… — Bernard Sahlins Copy Share Image
