I wish watching the awkwardly graphic sex scenes on Game of Thrones wasn't the closest I'd come to having a sex life… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I never did that badly with women when I wasn't on telly, but it's a bit out of control now. Women try… — Noel Fielding Copy Share Image
Like my old mentor would always say, Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice and I'll be dead.'' Okay, she… — John Zakour Copy Share Image
“I mean, my age is just a number. So what if you were born in the era when they still used rotary… — T.S. Krupa Copy Share Image
She's cute, I thought, but you don't need to like a girl who treats you like you're ten: You've already got a… — John Green Copy Share Image
MaCleod, since you've flown the SeaBee a lot you'll understand when I say it was the only airplane I ever owned that… — Ernest K. Gann Copy Share Image
“Your ridiculous family might be surprised to find that not everything is solved by murder," Locke calls after me. "We would be… — Holly Black Copy Share Image
That's something - you laugh about Eminem... It's funny, man, because I didn't like him when he first came out, ya know.… — Alan Vega Copy Share Image
But I am Northern myself, and there is a certain rhythm of Northern speech that is very comical: that combination of the… — Sarah Lancashire Copy Share Image
“Some instantaneous connection had occurred between them. The very air in the room seemed to crackle with the awareness of it. A… — Jane Cousins Copy Share Image
“Right. So no plans at all then?" Jenna frowned. "Other than rocking in the fetal position for a while?" "Yeah, I was… — Rachel Hawkins Copy Share Image
“The Shrink always warned me that carriers stay wracked with lifelong guilt. It's not an uplifting thing having turned lovers into monsters.… — Scott Westerfeld Copy Share Image
We make everything funny, you wouldn't believe the things we laugh at. We're always laughing-people think we're completely mad! — Emma Bunton Copy Share Image
Just when U think nothing can surprise U, U see a bus driver bring out a hand mirror to look at the… — Laylow Copy Share Image
You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about… — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
“What is it about Paris that I just can’t keep my hands off of you?” I ask him in between kisses. “It… — Ella Dominguez Copy Share Image
Mrs. Boffin, insisting that Bella should make tomorrow's expedition in the chariot, she went home in great grandeur. Mrs. Wilfer and Miss… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
“What is it about hairdressers? You tell them 'not too short' and some part of their hairdresser brain hears this as 'whack… — Deb Caletti Copy Share Image
My friend had a funny remark; he told me everybody has something - some people have a big butt, some people are… — Karen Duffy Copy Share Image
“What is Hell like?" I blurted out before I could stop myself. Damn my curiosity. "You've never been there?" He eyed me… — Alycia Linwood Copy Share Image
It was a small town: Ferguson, Ohio. When you entered there was a big sign and it said, "Welcome to Ferguson. Beware… — Jackie Vernon Copy Share Image
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?"… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I don't consider myself a funny girl, but I do have a sense of humor because I don't take myself too seriously.… — Stephanie Sigman Copy Share Image
You can hate me for being a woman, you can hate me for being smart, you can hate me for being funny,… — Iliza Shlesinger Copy Share Image
Silence is gold because the words are at the origin of many misfortunes but speech is silver to calm certain pains — Anonymous Copy Share Image
People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“Where in the Bible are we told in one verse not to do a thing and in the next to do it?… — Samuel Grant Oliphant Copy Share Image
I lived in Miami for a while, in a section with a lot of really old people. The average age in my… — Gabe Kaplan Copy Share Image
On the internet: Ugh I hate people so much! Applying for a job: I love working with people and I'm very sociable. : — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
“He caught her staring and smiled-not a conceited I-work-out-and-have-a-great-body type smirk, but more of a I’m-a-boy; you’re-a-girl; life is good.” — Cherise Sinclair Copy Share Image
You can make me laugh at a thing that I think is horrific. You can make me laugh at a thing that… — Paul F. Tompkins Copy Share Image
“What do you want, MacGuffin, a duel?” “No.” Julian held out both hands, one palm flat, the other held over it in… — Abigail Roux Copy Share Image
I went into McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." And the girl behind the counter says, "Would you like fries… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
That was the most important thing to me: making sure 'Gardner Elliot' was likeable and funny and interesting. I took my time… — Asa Butterfield Copy Share Image
It's funny to be in rooms where you were originally referred to as 'The Shakespeare Guy' and to suddenly be in the… — Kenneth Branagh Copy Share Image
“Every time I watch Lady and the Tramp I think "SHE'S HAVING SOME OF YOUR PASTA!" "QUICK! EAT IT ALL! EAT IT… — Francesco Marciuliano Copy Share Image
I think that's something that people don't realize enough about when they get into comedy - it's not just about sitting back… — Brett Gelman Copy Share Image
