I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“I used to wonder why I had hair on my legs, but now I know it's for my toddler sons and daughters… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short,… — Jack Whitehall Copy Share Image
I will say it is funny that writing a song about not wanting to entertain people is what got me a career… — Lucy Dacus Copy Share Image
“If I tell you another seven hundred times, maybe one of these days you might turn your clothes right side out when… — Jodi Picoult Copy Share Image
“I thought you said you wre bringing a dead body in for examination. Didn't you think to check he actually was dead… — Trevor Baxendale Copy Share Image
A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I know it sounds funny coming from me, 'cause I produced it, but that's one of my favorite bodies of work. That's… — Zaytoven Copy Share Image
I like to make jokes; I consider myself a funny person. I just think making jokes about people who are in a… — Maria Shriver Copy Share Image
Dear parents, I had my whole weekend planned out before you said thatlittle two letter word. Sincerely, now I have NO friends. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It is easy to forget that the most important aspect of comedy, after all, its great saving grace, is its ambiguity. You… — Stephen Fry Copy Share Image
Employee : Sir, you called me? Boss : Yeah,go to the rest room and masturbate. Employee : (After few mins) ,done sir… — Thewomenizar Copy Share Image
I'm in love with my bed. we're perfect for each other, but my alarm clock doesn't want us together. that jealous whore . — Yashar Ibra Copy Share Image
“Killing demons is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” Annr,… — Taylor Grace Copy Share Image
It's funny, when I'm not on the road or doing stuff with Bad Company - or whatever- I've always written songs galore...… — Mick Ralphs Copy Share Image
Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny. — Alan King Copy Share Image
A man once asked to shake hands with me, the "greatest Englishman who ever lived." I replied, "F**k off, I'm Irish." — Spike Milligan Copy Share Image
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
One hundred infidels committed suicide as they entered the holy city of Baghdad. Their tanks will become their tombs. — Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf Copy Share Image
I have never pretended to be any kind of super-religious kind of man, but I feel very strongly that you can be… — Jonathan Winters Copy Share Image
The thing about 'Harry Potter' is it's great fun because of the people - I was usually with Julie Walters and Mark… — David Thewlis Copy Share Image
Fulo ki hasi Gulab hai, Padhne k liye jaruri kitab h, Duniya me hr sawal ka javab h, Agr koi mere bare… — Sadie Copy Share Image
“Funny how that works, isn’t it? We don’t even realize what we’ve lost until it’s right in front of us once again.” — T.J. Klune Copy Share Image
Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
You hear a lot of rap songs about spending money. I thought, wouldn't it be funny to make a song about saving… — Lil Dicky Copy Share Image
The funny thing is that when you have any form of presentation to your band, meaning you have the foresight to see… — Nikki Sixx Copy Share Image
I just got engaged. My fiancée won't take my name because Lisa Levin sounds awful. So she's just going to remain Lisa… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“When have I ever given him the impression that I was okay with him just stopping by whenever he wanted to use… — Nash Summers Copy Share Image
I think it would be funny for people to read in obituaries of me that my major contribution to the arts was… — Tao Lin Copy Share Image
“What the fuck?" That was me. Pete‘s not an f-word kinda guy. Me? My current record is eighty-two F-bombs in under a… — Adrienne Wilder Copy Share Image
It's funny now how much we look at - whatever you want to call it: art, design, culture stuff, film - online,… — Mike Mills Copy Share Image
School is pointless! English: We speak it. History: They're dead, get over it. Math: 1+1 = 2 Beyonce taught us that. Spanish: We have Dora... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
A man who fails is funny... if my sketches teach anything, it is that, for the male, sex is a snare and… — Benny Hill Copy Share Image
“Suddenly, however, the dastardly department of my personality presented two plans, one of which involved dynamite, mustache wax, some rope, and train… — Laurie Notaro Copy Share Image
Stop waiting around for Prince Charming. Get up and go find him, the poor idiot is probably stuck in a tree somewhere...haha:) — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Woman say:CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? Woman means:There is no way I'm going to let any part of your body touch any… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“The room fell silent. I frankly didn't know what I was going to do to help Eduardo, but I had the sense… — Tod Goldberg Copy Share Image
You want to be able to really tackle a character and make it a fully-dimensional human being who is complicated, funny, and… — Viola Davis Copy Share Image
If I ever complain to an agent about anything, he always has a pained look on his face, like, "How can you… — Mickey Rooney Copy Share Image
“She wasn't a prude. Not really. She liked sex a lot. More now than she had ten minutes ago, to be perfectly… — Maisey Yates Copy Share Image
