Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
So today at school.. We had a special visitor. He asked the audience, If you could choose between either having the super… — Sheryne Brooks Copy Share Image
Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know -- because after 22 hours on a plane any… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Taking punches to the face at six in the morning, it's funny to hear that but, like, I'm grateful that I'm capable… — Joseph Benavidez Copy Share Image
All these people helped make this book possible. But let me make one thing clear: If there are any errors or omissions… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Guy ( 16 years ) : Do you want to marry me ? Girl ( 16 years ) : WTF ?! NO… — Sheryne Brooks Copy Share Image
I hate that feeling when you close your eyes to apply shampoo, and get paranoid that someone might kill you in the… — Rashida Rowe Copy Share Image
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I… — Claude Pepper Copy Share Image
“The real purpose of the opposition is to minimize the amount of money the ruling party will have stolen from the people… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“When did you grow a back bone?" Cassius stopped pacing and actually smiled a little. Kendall wasn't appeased "I borrowed Jory's” — Gabrielle Evans Copy Share Image
I turned down 'Some Like It Hot.' See how smart I am? I felt I couldn't bring anything funny to it. The… — Jerry Lewis Copy Share Image
“Most unintelligent or foolish people do not regard themselves as that; they regard themselves as not-that-intelligent or not-that-wise.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“Well, just get used to it, because you're a long ways away from Kansas, my dear. She actually started singing "The Sun… — Holly Hood Copy Share Image
“The High King makes a nonchalant gesture. 'Jude likes to suppose the worst of both her enemies and her allies. Her reward… — Holly Black Copy Share Image
The only non-believer I encountered was Oscar Levant who wouldn't visit Disneyland because he said he had his own hallucinations. — Jack Paar Copy Share Image
Success is a funny thing. It means different things to different people. For me, I am always pleased when people connect to… — John Varvatos Copy Share Image
No one had to impose my enemies on me. I selected them myself. I didn't avoid them: I pointed them out, marked… — Jacobo Timerman Copy Share Image
“Now, there are things I like just fine about church, and I don’t just mean making money. The notion of getting together… — Nick Offerman Copy Share Image
Top 4 Lies - 1: I'm fine. 2: I don't like anyone. 3: That was my last piece of gum. 4: I've… — Gusso Montanna Copy Share Image
“It was almost laughable trying to intimidate two men wearing togas, but I still unleashed my full-on I Will Kill You expression.” — Jamie McGuire Copy Share Image
Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on… — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
Yest I climbed up a tree & read out a bird some of my tweets. She looked at me, shook her head… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“You are funny like a kid and awesome like a princess Unseen like an angel, like the morning sunshine… Kindness like a… — M.F. Moonzajer Copy Share Image
It's funny, I used to ask guys who were in shape all the time, like Triple H, 'What do you do?' It… — Big Show Copy Share Image
... Waiter! raw beef-steak for the gentleman's eye,-nothing like raw beef-steak for a bruise, sir; cold lamp-post very good, but lamp-post inconvenient-damned… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think I can sing and am funny and have some abilities but I'm not somebody who takes big chances. I'm trying… — Bridget Everett Copy Share Image
Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
That's the old ecological tale that explains humans' inability to fully appreciate global warming. To wit: if you drop a frog in… — Clive Thompson Copy Share Image
Do you recognise me?" he asked. Willie looked hard and considered before finally replying "Lie down so I can recognise you. — Willie Pep Copy Share Image
“What do you mean 'speaking of fairy tales'? Since when do fairy tales include gigolos?" Annie asked. "Well, since most fairy-tale princes… — Elle Aycart Copy Share Image
“I changed my password everywhere to 'incorrect.' That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, 'Your password is incorrect.” — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I love Adele. Adele is my favorite artist. She's British. She's funny. She's just an amazing, incredible voice, and I love to… — Millie Bobby Brown Copy Share Image
I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
What is the best sexual position to create a gorgeous, charming absolutely attractive and cute baby?… Ask my parents! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“You know what's awkward?" David asked, the corner of his mouth lifting. "Our entire existences?" Now the grin was real. "That," he… — Rachel Hawkins Copy Share Image
Since it's based on my parents, it's more emotionally close to me than some of my more surreal plays. And then I… — Christopher Durang Copy Share Image
I have a lot of respect for L. Ron Hubbard and I consider him to be a genius and perhaps less acknowledged… — Werner Erhard Copy Share Image
Put every great teacher in a room, and they'd agree about everything, but put their disciples in there and they'd argue about… — Bruce Lee Copy Share Image
I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
