“Honestly, as much as I love my brother, I’m not sure how I feel about him hanging out in your bedroom.” He… — Jennifer L. Armentrout Copy Share Image
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Funny enough, if you are looking at people these days who are putting Botox in their face and getting all sorts of… — Guy Pearce Copy Share Image
I know an actor who would play one type of part but could never get cast as tough. Once he got cast… — Paul Dano Copy Share Image
In 'The Sound of Music,' I was a von Trapp daughter in a white dress with a blue satin sash, and my… — Hugh Grant Copy Share Image
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, youre a mile away… — Alex Matshaba Copy Share Image
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If I find something funny or something that kind of cracks me up, I'll get up on stage. I don't care what… — Jo Koy Copy Share Image
White parents use time out. My mom used a different type of time out. She'd be like, 'There...take time out to pick… — Martin Lawrence Copy Share Image
New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Selfishness is a bad habit. Thats why I always rationally think through my decisions to act without regard for others. — Benson Bruno Copy Share Image
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell,… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
It's funny because I think that both France and Britain are known for their distinctive styles, and everyone says that France is… — Alexa Chung Copy Share Image
A great deal of the pupils time was spent going through, once again, the History of the Communist (Bolshevik) Party of the… — George Mikes Copy Share Image
“The sun weeps because it can no longer caress your skin or warm your lips." He sifted his fingers through my hair.… — Michele Bardsley Copy Share Image
Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
When they say I'll think about it, what they really mean is, I'll forget about it completely until you bring it up… — Timzing Lakan Copy Share Image
“I might have hasked a question..., except that 1. I didn't know what it was, and 2. I didn't care to learn,… — John Green Copy Share Image
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“The fifth, in a rumpled plaid suit and plastic devil mask, plunked a ukulele. Even without the Satan-head mask, I realized Hawaii… — T.M. Goeglein Copy Share Image
Opening for Louis C.K. during his "Hilarious" tour was a great experience for me. He is the generation just ahead of me,… — Ted Alexandro Copy Share Image
“Some disabled people spend a significant amount of their energy on trying to come across as abled or as not that disabled.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
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I spend money with reckless abandon. Last month I blew $5000 at a reincarnation. I got to thinking, what the hell, you… — Ronnie Shakes Copy Share Image
My walk. Let's clarify this: you're not allowed to laugh at my walk but I am. Most times I am in control… — Rosie Jones Copy Share Image
Fear not; the things that you are afraid of are quite likely to happen to you, but they are nothing to be… — John Macmurray Copy Share Image
The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury… — Fred Allen Copy Share Image
In this scene, I'm talking about how much I don't like cookies… I'm sayin', 'Listen, guys. Have you read the book? We're… — Robert Pattinson Copy Share Image
“I’m talking about you, you idiot. You have seen you, right?” [...] “Of course I have. I saw myself last Wednesday. My… — Charlotte Stein Copy Share Image
The things that make me laugh are considered smart or whatever, I guess. But stuff that's self-consciously intelligent or self-consciously hip or… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
Hilarious. Ugly Face. Reminds me of the setuffd animal I had as a kid I named Floppy Neck. I could twist that… — Benjamin Copy Share Image
Liberals have a quaint and touching faith that truth is on their side and an even quainter faith that journalists are on… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The hardest thing to find in life is happiness - money is only hard to find because it gets wasted trying to… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
This year, U.S. airlineswill carry a record 143 million passengers, who will be in the air for 382 million hours, during which… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“I stopped thinking and watched in horror as Tex banged the portafilter on top of the espresso machine. Monty hit a button… — Kristen Ashely Copy Share Image
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“Nana's French knickers were surely a symbol of liberty and abandonment, worn only by women who didn't care for conventional frills or… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do… — Jeff Foxworthy Copy Share Image
![“I’m talking about you, you idiot. You have seen you, right?” [...] “Of course I have. I saw myself last Wednesday. My hair was doing this woo-woo thing,” I say, but only because I’m panicking. My palms have gone all sweaty and my mouth has dried to a crisp. It’s like my saliva has disappeared down…” quote by Charlotte Stein](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a44/charlotte-stein-3450_funny_i-m-talking-about-you-you-idiot-you-have_712837.jpg)
