Me and food have a love, hate relationship, I love to eat, but hate to get fat. — Rashida Rowe Copy Share Image
Damn, I forgot to go to the gym yesterday! That's 10 years in a row now... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Is it me? Is it like I have a beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear? — Lisa Kudrow Copy Share Image
She wanted me inside of her, I told her I already was. She questioned how? I answered: Your heart. — Raghib Clitso Copy Share Image
The key to making things understandable is to understand what it’s like not to understand. — Richard Saul Wurman Copy Share Image
In spite of a heavy disguise, a few days' growth on my face, dark glasses, a beret and one of William's jackets… — Laurence Olivier Copy Share Image
Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife.… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You arent the only one sitting home alone on a Saturday night. Wonder if your future boyfriend/girlfriend is doing the same thing… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The day was warm and clear. Kids were playing soccer in the parking lots and women were sunning their babies and having… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
“As it happens, I’m a terrible dancer. Bears are simply not made for dancing. We’re much better at sitting and sleeping and… — Doug MacLeod Copy Share Image
“I wondered if full-blooded vampires had something like blue balls for their fangs if they didn’t get to feed when they were… — Sierra Dean Copy Share Image
“I doubt she'll welcome you if I tell her you undressed me." "Maybe she'll only partially welcome me." Smart-ass.” — Kresley Cole Copy Share Image
Naming someone you know your parents approve of, when they ask who you're texting — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Lost my Tic-Tacs yesterday... Now I'm looking for some replace mints. — Risa Schizophrenia Copy Share Image
I hate that there's such an emphasis on women in comedy. Are women OK? Are they just as funny as men? Yes! — Nicole Byer Copy Share Image
The first time I seen the term lmao used, I thought someone was calling me lame but just miss spelled it. — Merle Anthony Rowland Copy Share Image
Facebook? You mean that thing pussies use to bitch about their problems? — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Mom, I love you more than a kidnapped white girl running into the arms of Charles Ramsey. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My point is not that everything is bad, but that everything is dangerous, which is not exactly the same as bad. — Michel Foucault Copy Share Image
On his teenage son: To be honest, I'm not sure the same kid comes home each night. — John Bishop Copy Share Image
It's safer to do nothing and know why you doing it, than to do something and don't know why you do it. — Myles Munroe Copy Share Image
I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Hitler didn't snub me—it was FDR who snubbed me. The president didn't even send me a telegram. — Jesse Owens Copy Share Image
Peeking out of your 3D glasses during a movie just to see the difference — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I hope the colder weather won't deter you from continuing to wear slutty summer dresses to the office. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I held in the sneeze, though, by thinking of the word cucumber. It always works.” — Merrie Haskell Copy Share Image
