Never trust a man with short legs. His brains are too near his bottom. — Noel Coward Copy Share Image
Do not ever make fun of fat people, their life is nothing less than a punishment. — Mohd Aariff Khan Copy Share Image
Religion is like a pair of shoes…Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Oh, you wanna do a little bit of roleplay? Could you just play dead? — Jack Whitehall Copy Share Image
Xavier would be such a great burger. He's all covered in spread... — Robert Pattinson Copy Share Image
“What?" I asked, swallowing a mouthful. "You remind me of me." "That can't be good." I took another mouthful.” — Courtney Allison Moulton Copy Share Image
Tough Olympic news for the Romneys. Ann Romney's horse Rafalka did not advance to the Olympic finals. Apparently it was beat by… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Vicodin, I got addicted to that little pill. The reason I don't talk about it too much in the press is because… — Matthew Perry Copy Share Image
You messed up my self esteem… Bitch its called SELF ESTEEM! It's the esteem of ya Mutha Fuckin Self Bitch... How did… — Katt Williams Copy Share Image
In the past 10,000 years, humans have devised roughly 100,000 religions based on roughly 2,500 gods. So the only difference between myself… — Michael Shermer Copy Share Image
I don't really leave my house too much, 'cause I don't like... it's funny, I don't really like to be high and… — Mac Miller Copy Share Image
“It’s always been this way. There were rumors about me even before I was born. It’s why my mother never calls me… — Leigh Bardugo Copy Share Image
A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
The dog is very smart. He feels sorry for me because I receive so much mail; that's why he tries to bite… — Albert Einstein Copy Share Image
I dont think I can ever stab someone. lets be honest I can barely get the straw in the CAPRI SUN — Ana 13 Copy Share Image
I thought LeBron James was just going to be another addition to help me score — Ricky Davis Copy Share Image
Why is it ok when a whites person tell a racist joke and they say just kidding fuck its till racist — Marquez Copy Share Image
You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners. — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
“Satan impregnated my mother one lovely spring morning. We didn’t have the heart to tell my father.” — Holly Hood Copy Share Image
The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves. — Thomas Merton Copy Share Image
In modern America, food is abundant everywhere except aboard commercial airplanes. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Its so funny how as soon as a girl sees a hot guy they automaticly want to be best buddies with them. — Cassandra Crosby Copy Share Image
When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important will be illegible. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed but increased. — C. S. Lewis Copy Share Image
“Somehow, having a deer preside over the ceremony of a werewolf and a girl seems oddly appropriate.” — Maggie Stiefvater Copy Share Image
Hate it when ugly peope say I need my beauty sleep. OH N0, you need to hibernate. ï_(ã)_/ï — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens. — Andy Rooney Copy Share Image
My sincere apologies to those, I havent offended yet. Sorry you feel so left out, promise Ill get to you soon. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Germany are a very difficult team to play... they have eleven internationals out there today. — Steve Lomas Copy Share Image
Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar. — Billy Crystal Copy Share Image
“He's like a man with a fork, in a world of soup. (about his brother Liam)” — Noel Gallagher Copy Share Image
There are 3 types of people: 1. People who pee in the shower 2. Liars 3. Multidimensionally Retarted — Jewelizeemint Deelouviou Copy Share Image
