Funny Quotes · Page 859

You know, you can really get wet playing games in that new Pentium-VI dishwasher.

— Nikhil Saluja

That's what sort of fascinates me - what's funny as well as what's sad.

— Anh Do

It's curtains for you, Mighty Mouse! This gun is so futuristic that even I don't know how it works!

— Ralph Bakshi

If you are what you do, then when you don't, you aren't.

— Wayne Dyer

I want being funny to be something that I can just use rather than something I need.

— Simon Amstell

What I can control is how I react. I can't control anything else.

— Kelsey Grammer

Who says I can't cook? You obviously haven't tasted my dishes.

— Anonymous

There's nothing worse than trying to be funny and not being funny.

— Neal Brennan

Something is funny, most of all, because it's true, and because the velocity of insight into this truth exceeds our normal standards.…

— Steve Almond

I adored my father because he was dry and witty and funny. He would stand in the door of his shop greeting…

— Maureen Lipman

When I was, like, 16, I went in to the head of Disney, and I hadn't taken acting class really at all,…

— Taylour Paige

True, I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving you a definite answer. I won't say yes,…

— Samuel Goldwyn

“Pretty much all women who wear pantsuits are evil. Kat's head tipped to the side. Okay. I do have to agree with…

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house,…

— Steven Wright

My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's…

— Dave Attell

The funny thing, I guess, is that my husband ended up being the muse of a book about the worst marriage in…

— Gillian Flynn

I believe in the discipline of silence, and could talk for hours about it.

— George Bernard Shaw

You're not DRUNK until u have to grab onto the grass to keep u from falling off the earth

— Joke Guys

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

— Steven Wright

Sorry, you'll have to come back later. We're trying to escape.

— Dory

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

— George Carlin

Of all the poetry written in our generation, Frost's is most likely to stand the test of time

— Anonymous

There are many who know many things, yet are lacking in wisdom.

— Democritus

Listen to everything all the time and remind yourself when you are not listening.

— Pauline Oliveros

Those who are dead are not dead, they're just living in my head.

— Chris Martin

When a girl says have fun She means have a horrible time without me. Not true... Maybe!

— Nikhil Saluja

To truly lead one's people, one must also truly know them.

— Nelson Mandela

I've never killed an unfollower but I should definitely take a shot at it.

— Nikhil Saluja

Dude, you're singing the wrong words! No I'm not. I'm making a remix

— Anonymous

As far as socially redeeming value, I hope I don't have any.

— John Waters

Nothing can intimidate me. I just go out and destruct and destroy…

— Marvin Hagler

I hate funerals and would not attend my own if it could be avoided

— Robert Tappan Morris

You there, Friday! Come here you S.E.X.Y son of a B.T.C.H. We've been looking for you since monday.

— Anonymous

If you don't know how to do it, get around someone else who does.

— Rick Warren

Ghetto Word Of The Day; Cologne: You think you cologne me a dollar?

— Anonymous

'Danger Girl' can be ridiculous, but sometimes it's funny.

— Megan Fox

My favorite part of the heat wave is watching tourists deeply regret their decision to come here.

— Anonymous

It is really a puzzle what drives one to take one's work so devilishly seriously.

— Albert Einstein

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

— George Carlin

I am loved and accepted exactly how I am, right here and right now.

— Louise Hay