So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster". — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
Look, if I'd wanted a lecture on the rights of man, I'd have gone to bed with Martin Luther. — Rowan Atkinson Copy Share Image
My dad was proud of himself when he farted. He sounds like he's strangling a chicken when he farts. — Carl Barron Copy Share Image
We must trust God, not only WHEN we do not understand, but BECAUSE we do not understand. — Steve Lawson Copy Share Image
“Jude never loved Locke.' My face feels hot, but my shame is an excellent cover to hide behind. 'She loved someone else.… — Holly Black Copy Share Image
Matt LeBlanc thinks his own jokes are funny which is problematic when you're driving along - he expects you to laugh and… — Chris Harris Copy Share Image
I don't feel any pressure to be funny at all. I'm funny because I want to be funny. I could sit here… — Jim Carrey Copy Share Image
People make a lot of fuss about my kids having such supposedly 'strange names', but the fact is that no matter what… — Frank Zappa Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
“The only time I drink milk is when I drink coffee. I make love the same way—contributing 2% as I just sort… — Dark Jar Tin Zoo Copy Share Image
When I see something, I know why something's funny or seems to be funny. But in the end it's just another picture… — Garry Winogrand Copy Share Image
3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it… — Meee Copy Share Image
Everyone could face something that hurts him. But I don't expect that I will be hurt — Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf Copy Share Image
Hey babiee , mah love is devine , uh know I can even give uh mah facebook password :p — Rechureshmaa Copy Share Image
“When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.” — Lily Tomlin Copy Share Image
The awkward moment when you pretend die infront of your pet and they dont move. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I love how when my soap runs out in the shower, my shampoo magically transforms into body wash. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
It's funny, growing up there was never anybody around me with any kind of artistic bent. — Nick Offerman Copy Share Image
When you’re truly connecting with wisdom, the more you learn, the more you realize the less you know. — Yehuda Berg Copy Share Image
The idea that people feel that they have to be sympathetic to me? It's a funny concept. — Megan Phelps-Roper Copy Share Image
I love bald men. Just because you've lost your fuzz don't mean you ain't a peach. — Dolly Parton Copy Share Image
I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses. — Stephen King Copy Share Image
There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it. — Bertrand Russell Copy Share Image
It finally happened - a lawsuit for wrongful doing unto others as you would have them do unto you. — Robert Breault Copy Share Image
