Heres something to think about: How come you never see a headline like Psychic Wins Lottery? — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Condoms are like women...most of the time they're pretty annoying, but you need them to get laid. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Thanks for coming in early and staying late because I have kids and you don't. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me! — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
A rich person is not the one who has the most but the one who needs the least. — Jezreel Copy Share Image
LIKE if you don't care what people think about you because you do what YOU want — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
You Could Walk a Mile In My Shoes But You Still Wouldn't GetMe Even If I Can With Instructions, So Tell Me,… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Did You Know About My relationship with my sibling(s)? We're pretty close. Although, my older sister and I argue a lot:P — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I want to wake up with you in the morning hours. I want to get hot and sweaty together. I want us… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I find it quite funny to see players rolling over trying to win free-kicks or get opponents booked. I've never done that,… — Shaun Wright-Phillips Copy Share Image
I don't think comedy necessarily comes from a dark place. But I do think what a lot of us have in common… — Sean Hayes Copy Share Image
If a journalist shows a facility for praise he's liable to be offered a job in public relations or advertising and the… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
There is a saying that if you get something for free, you should know that you're the product. It was never more… — Yuval Noah Harari Copy Share Image
I grew up in a funny household, and I love making people laugh. It brings me so much joy. — Natasha Rothwell Copy Share Image
If all else fails, get in bed at 8:00pm and watch a bunch of shit on tv. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Don't you just hate it when you offer help and the other person says yes? — Celeste Hartman Copy Share Image
When you get something that you don't work for, you won't know how to value or maintain it. — DeVon Franklin Copy Share Image
No matter what anyone says, my cooking is excellent, even the smoke alarm seems to be cheering me on! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
There are no relationship problems that can't be solved through suitable application of high explosives. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“There's a funny thing about everything, even if you have to make it up!” — Jessica Jo Ann Thometz Copy Share Image
Looks like Facebook and myspace got divorced but Facebook got the all the kids :) — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. — Mickey Rooney Copy Share Image
Biggest worry after going to bed every night: Should I go pee right now, or wait until tomorrow morning? — ARINDAM SEN Copy Share Image
When I started off in comedy it was all about the funny, with nothing else to support it. — Nick Mohammed Copy Share Image
Reggie Smith of the Dodgers and Gary Matthews of the homers hit Braves in that game. — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
MARRIAGE, A delightful form of combat where you get to sleep with the enemy; — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
In America, funny women are allowed to be glamorous and funny, but over here, you're not. — Emily Atack Copy Share Image
I think I'm incredibly funny, but rarely do other people think I'm as funny. That's my crime. — Terry Dubrow Copy Share Image
Dear math, grow up and solve your own stupid problems I'm sick and tired of doing it for you! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You can't know where life will take you, but you can commit to a direction — Wendell Berry Copy Share Image
Dear student who finished the test in 7 minutes, I HOPE YOU FAIL. Sincerely, still on the 1st question. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
This thaw -- took a while to thaw, it's going to take a while to unthaw. — George W. Bush Copy Share Image
A bridegroom is a man who spends a lot of money on a new suit that nobody notices. — Vikrant Parsai Copy Share Image
