Funny Quotes · Page 805

I wish summer and the length of your shorts were longer.

— Anonymous

The Yankees are only interested in one thing, and I have no idea what that is.

— Luis Polonia

Thank you; we're all challenged by your unique point of view.

— Anonymous

You thought I was a lovelorn mistress and I was really just an expensive prostitute.

— Edith Wharton

I don't know what it is I exude. But whatever it is, it's whatever I am!

— Janet Leigh

“There's a fine line between funny and annoying – and it's exactly the width of a quotation mark.”

— Martha Brockenbrough

You will never be greater than the thoughts that dominate your mind

— Napoleon Hill

Softball is what old men play to try to feel young again.

— Patrick Wallace

“He tends to go for girls who are-Shelby, honey? Put your hands over your ears for just a sec.” Back into the…

— Robyn Carr

You really can't blame the military for wanting to go to war [in Iraq]. They've got all these new toys and they…

— Andy Rooney

A recent study announced that 52 per cent of all teens who sign virginity pledges recant them within twelve months. If I'm…

— Tina Fey

I probably would have gone the M.F.A. route except I was a dad at 19, and it made more sense to go…

— Jess Walter

Dear high school boys, your penis is not pinnochios nose, it doesn't get bigger everytime you lie about it's size. Sincerely, Reality

— Anonymous

Last time I cooked a hot meal, it was so nicely done that my neighbors had to wake me up... Just to…

— Jeromy Shingongo

There are quite a few very funny people in my life. You know those people who don't mean to be funny, they…

— Tori Amos

“I'll ring for Mrs. Mullet," Feely said, reaching for a velvet pull that hung near the mantelpiece, and which probably hadn't been…

— Alan Bradley

I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.

— Les Dawson

You shouldn't say anything mean about people who can't read. You should write it instead.

— Will Rogers

I won't consider getting horizontal with someone I can barely tolerate when we're vertical.

— Nora Roberts

Having sleepless nights from all the problems we encounter while problems sleeping so peacefully beside us. :>

— Kreyzii

Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'.

— Stephen Colbert

Never write a poem about anything that ought to have a poem written about it.

— Richard Hugo

I have an assuredness of myself. I never protect myself against it.

— Jacob Lawrence

The poorer we are inwardly, the more we try to enrich ourselves outwardly.

— Bruce Lee

Every time I drift away I lose myself in you. And now I see I can be me in every thing I…

— Michelle Branch

“Most priests wish they were as righteous as they seem to most members of their congregations.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.

— Mitch Hedberg

If you have spent any time with Barack Obama, you know he's a funny guy. He's a good guy. He knows sports.

— Ed Rendell

No one deserves anything from you. No one deserves your trust or your love—they have to earn it.

— An Na

I want you to know that whatever problems you're having, I'm here to read about it on Facebook.

— Anonymous

Love what you are doing because that’s the only way you’ll ever be really good at it.

— Fred Trump

People are effective because they say 'no,' because they say, 'this isn't for me.'

— Peter Drucker

Walking around the kitchen likePac-Man when your hungry.

— Anonymous

I'd rather steal Lady Gaga's creativity without having to go near her vagina

— Anonymous

Taking 'naps' sounds so childish...I prefer to call them 'horizontal life pauses.'

— Anonymous

“I can be a gentleman off and on. When the urge hits me. - Tran”

— Krista Alasti

“Bluestar's coming on patrol? Watch out for flying hedgehogs!”

— Erin Hunter Cloudpaw A Dangerous Path Warriors 5

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

— Daniel Tosh

Listen, I'm somebody that finds joy in being judgy and funny and ripping on someone.

— Stassi Schroeder

When the eyes say one thing, and the tongue another, a practiced man relies on the language of the first.

— Ralph Waldo Emerson