Funny Quotes · Page 781

I’ve actually been in a lot of movies that involve sucking on fingers.

— Dane DeHaan

The thing is not to leave unfinished business; make every day count.

— Wally Amos

You will never understand what you're doin'. But God does.

— Rich Mullins

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

— Anthony Jeselnik

Eskimos are uncivilised because they don't have any shops.

— Jodie Marsh

When I have eliminated the ways that will not work, I will find the way that will work.

— Thomas A. Edison

Success is not a destination, but the road that you're on.

— Marlon Wayans

I think I'm funny because my family, my siblings were funny.

— Martin Short

“I'm sure I look like a drowned cat." "You look fine. The wet look works for you." I scowled. "Now I know…

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

I only had girlfriends when I became an adult. I was always playing with boys when I was a kid. And I…

— Susanne Bier

“I was just about to open the door, when it opened up right in front of me. And there stood my parents.…

— August Westman

You only have to solve two problems when going to the moon: first, how to get there; and second, how to get…

— Jim Rohn

When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears. What the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark...…

— Dylan Moran

“At this, Gansey rolled over onto his back and folded his hands on his chest. He wore a salmon polo shirt, which,…

— Maggie Stiefvater

I feel like my comedy voice is to take the news and everything that's happening and put a funny spin on it…

— Katherine Ryan

There's a very apt saying in show business: "If you don't go over budget in Paris, you're either very rich or very…

— Bob Hope

Fantasie is belangrijker dan kennis, want kennis is begrensd.

— Albert Einstein

I think I hang out with some pretty witty people, but we're never that funny.

— Bobcat Goldthwait

Math: The only place where a person can buy 80 watermelons without anyone thinking they're a weirdo.

— Anonymous

All politicians need to watch at least one season of Elmos World.

— Jeremy Limn

That awkward moment when you new to a school and everyone stares at you

— Jawon Stewwert

No one spends someone elses money as carefully as he spends his own.

— Mark Skousen

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

— Groucho Marx

Everything is on a reduced scale here in the Polar regions; we can't afford to be extravagant.

— Roald Amundsen

Beware of harking back to what you once were when God wants you to be something you have never been.

— Oswald Chambers

My girlfriend told me I'm awful in bed. I don't know how she can tell in 30 seconds.

— Nikhil Saluja

It's funny how much of the 'old times' are still rooted in modern America.

— Dave Myers

Slavery is not African history. Slavery interrupted African history.

— Mutabaruka

That which is created in a relationship can be fixed in a relationship.

— Murray Bowen

A friend of mine, a friend of yours. My better half, Richard Stephen Sambora

— Jon Bon Jovi

“He was so drunk that he would have stubbornly denied that he was.”

— Filippo Bologna

Whatever is worth saying, can be stated in fifty words or less.

— Stanislaw Ulam

I thought that's what happened to women: You live alone when you're old.

— Jen Kirkman

Are We Going to die in our religion or are we going to die in our devotion?

— David Platt

“How do you know you're a mom? If you never have a Kleenex in your purse when YOU need it?" L. R.…

— L.R.W. Lee

There is a limit to how much you can change to be liked for who you really are.

— Robert Breault

The love you liberate in your work is the love you keep.

— Elbert Hubbard

Man I just ended up on everybody guestlist. I’m just doing better than what everybody projected.

— Big Sean

Time will be your friend or your enemy; it will promote you or expose you.

— Jeff Olson

“It turns out, Holder doesn’t have an issue with Mormons at all. He just has an issue with assholes.”

— Colleen Hoover