My girlfriend took a pregnancy test today, and my worst fears have been realized.. she's just fat.. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Good morning guys haha I just got up lol what time is it were you guys live? Here it's 10:30 lol — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“What’s with all those tattoos? Makes you look like a hooligan.” “I suspect I am a hooligan.” — Simone Elkeles Copy Share Image
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me. — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
Men and animals regard each other across a gulf of mutual incomprehension. — W. G. Sebald Copy Share Image
He who desires nothing, hopes for nothing, and is afraid of nothing, cannot be an artist. — Anton Chekhov Copy Share Image
When you lay down your life for what you are after you've died, you're clean. — John de Ruiter Copy Share Image
“Growing up, my guardians refused to tell me what horny meant. As I got a little older, they forbid me to use… — Ella Dominguez Copy Share Image
“It was like watching an angsty hormone-fueled train wreck and firmly cemented my resolve to be at least twenty-five before I considered… — Stacey Jay Copy Share Image
Family is funny, and so it was not an unnatural thing for me, growing up, not to know anything about my dad… — Courtney B. Vance Copy Share Image
A friend is 1% funny, 2% sweet, 3% caring, 4% loving, 90% good looking. Thats why I am your friend! You are so lucky. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Way I figure it, if I'm forced to have a partner, might as well have one with benefits. If you're annoying me,… — S.E. Jakes Copy Share Image
“Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the… — Russell Beland Copy Share Image
I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
A man doesn't know what hapiness is until he's married. By then it's too late. — Frank Sinatra Copy Share Image
We may explain success mainly by one word and that word is WORK! WORK!! WORK!!! WORK!!!! — Frederick Douglass Copy Share Image
I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session. — Gib Lewis Copy Share Image
Friendship is the instrument by which God reveals to each of us the beauties of others. — C. S. Lewis Copy Share Image
Life only works when Jesus is everything and we are fully submitted to Him. — Louie Giglio Copy Share Image
Larry Silverstein has betrayed the public's trust and that of all New Yorkers. — George Pataki Copy Share Image
Wanna hear a joke about your girlfriend's p*ssy? Nevermind, you'll never get it... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Men are pigs; their every actions and thoughts is dictated by their penis. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
People don't come into your life by accident. Everyone that crosses your path serves a purpose — Green Monk Copy Share Image
The crazy thing is, I never knew that a wiener could actually make me nauseous. — Jessica Simpson Copy Share Image
Dear Math, I am sick and tired of finding your X. Just accept the fact that she is gone. MOVE ON DUDE. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded. — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
He broke her heart. She broke his X-Box. I think we all know who cried harder. — Unknow Copy Share Image
Someday's I wish I had a crappy education so your grammar wouldn't bother me so much. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“The difference between actually very serious and actually very funny is actually very thin.” — William Powers Copy Share Image
Our constitution mentions religion just twice, and both times the word 'no' are attached. — Ellery Schempp Copy Share Image
Mostly all famous inventions start off as an accidents. For instance, my invention of running over cats. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Other peoples' success represents the possibility of what you can do. — Tyrese Gibson Copy Share Image
