Funny Quotes · Page 653

Unless you absolutely have got to do it, don’t buy anything new.

— Wendell Berry

It is funny how football works. Everyone has their own journeys, don't they?

— Ollie Watkins

One of my coworkers has an annoying habit, He works! Makes me look bad.

— Nikhil Saluja

Are the unmarried employees at Kraft referred to as the Kraft Singles?

— Laura S

We're part of each other's lives. We're in each other's stories.

— Michelle Akers

It's a scientific fact. For every year a person lives in Hollywood, they lose two points of their IQ.

— Truman Capote

Take hold of the future or the future will take hold of you - be futurewise.

— Patrick Dixon

Success isn't owned. It's leased and rent is due every day.

— J. J. Watt

“No, we’re not getting married,” I told my mother on the phone when she asked. “He’s going to California and I’m staying…

— Lorrie Moore

[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

— Groucho Marx

When you are courting nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems…

— Albert Einstein

We had such a strange upbringing with such eccentric parents and so we were often put in situations where finding what was…

— Natasia Demetriou

If I love you and you don't Love me In return, I will know that you are one of the many frogs…

— Paul Gilbert

Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars.

— Hobart Brown

The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're…

— Conan O'Brien

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe…

— Mitch Hedberg

To be good and to do good-that is the whole of religion.

— Swami Vivekananda

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

— Frankie Boyle

There are three things most men love but never understand; females, girls and women.

— Vikrant Parsai

The beginning of love for the brethren is learning to listen to them.

— Dietrich Bonhoeffer

It is not how much you make that counts, but how much money you keep.

— Robert Kiyosaki

The best place to drink beer is at home. Or on a river bank, if the fish dont bother you.

— Anonymous

It's funny where we look for salvation, and where we actually find it.

— Anne Lamott

“I wish I could punch him in his smug face and show him how undeterred I am by his exile.”

— Holly Black

Confound these ancestors... They've stolen our best ideas!

— Ben Jonson

I don't do T&A very well because I haven't got much of either

— Tea Leoni

Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)

— W. C. Fields

Hitler might not have been such an asshole if he hadn't been left hanging for all his high fives.

— Anonymous

I fear nomads. I am afraid of them and afraid for them too.

— Jane Bowles

I could not paint at all if I had to paint slowly. Every effect is so transient, it must be rapidly painted.

— Joaquin Sorolla

Am I the only one? who shakes the magic 8 ball till I get the answer I want?

— Anonymous

God made Man before Woman because you always make the rough draft before the final masterpiece.

— Anonymous

Without God man has no reference point to define himself.

— R. C. Sproul

If a playwright is funny, the English look for a serious message, and if he's serious, they look for a joke.

— Sacha Guitry

The body, she says, is subject to the force of gravity. But the soul is ruled by levity, pure.

— Saul Bellow

Humor itself is a great disinfectant. It enables people to listen.

— Robert Reich

I hate how… after an argument I think about more clever stuff I could of said

— Anonymous

Ha ha funny right like if it is funny or send me a message

— Maeve Garrison

It has often been said there’s so much to be read, you never can cram all those words in your head.

— Dr. Seuss

I like idolator.com a lot. Every once in a while they shred me on there, but it's usually pretty funny.

— Pete Wentz