That mini heart attack you get when you're half asleep and you suddenly feel like you're falling. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I knew I was in deep shit. I didn’t know how deep—just that I still hadn’t touched bottom.” — Sol Luckman Copy Share Image
“It was almost funny, really. Such a strong reaction to a bunch of shirtless guys.” — Kody Keplinger Copy Share Image
I taught Sunday School for two years. And I got fired. I abused my authority. I used to teach class like this,… — Margaret Cho Copy Share Image
By the ruler's cultivation of his own character there is set up the example of the course which all should pursue. — Confucius Copy Share Image
Dear Facebook, Please stop asking me what's on my mind. I'm gonna get myself in trouble if I keep spilling my guts… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, How old are you? I said, I'm five. He said,… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
In cross examination, as in fishing, nothing is more ungainly than a fisherman pulled into the water by his catch. — Louis Nizer Copy Share Image
My parents were from New England. It's very funny, but when I grew up, you always had to say, 'Yes, ma'am' and… — Cy Twombly Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“SWAT? For me?" Still trembling, one hand clung to the ambulance gurney, the other held a massive sterilised cotton wool wad under… — Morana Blue Copy Share Image
Everyone says '' Life is a Bitch'' I say'' Life fucks everyone like a whore'' — Peta-Gaye Clark Copy Share Image
I'm not apologizing for what I did. I'm apologizing for what I didn't do. — Jennifer Tilly Copy Share Image
If you have no opposition in the place you serve, you're serving in the wrong place. — G. Campbell Morgan Copy Share Image
“Keep flapping your lips and you'll spend the rest of your afterlife haunting hipsters at Starbucks.” — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Every day, there's something that makes you go, 'Is this Funny or Die?' That can't be a real headline. — Eric McCormack Copy Share Image
Hope you're not allergic to nuts. Cause I'm gonna kick yours up into your throat. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Those who cannot themselves observe can at least acquire the observation of others. — Benjamin Disraeli Copy Share Image
Women have a wonderful instinct about things. They can discover everything except the obvious. — Oscar Wilde Copy Share Image
Oh you're the type of girl that uses your personality as birth control. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
It won't be easy, that is why I have always failed where others have succeeded. — Peter Sellers Copy Share Image
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
There is no such passion in human nature, as the passion for gravy among commercial gentlemen. — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
No one knows what happens when we think therefore we can never really ever know anything — Eyedea Copy Share Image
The funny thing when you are with a man that has lots of fans - particularly female fans - it gets sensitive! — Diana DeGarmo Copy Share Image
With women you don't have to talk your head off. You just say a word and let them fill in from there. — Satchel Paige Copy Share Image
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. — Jack Benny Copy Share Image
Watch your back today, guys. 20 year old chicks born on leap day are really only 5. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I don't have to be bam, bam, bam, funny when I'm working. I can tell stories, and there's some funny in them. — Whoopi Goldberg Copy Share Image
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
