Funny Quotes · Page 649

Dive headfirst into things without being too attached to the results

— Sophia Amoruso

I am having issues, I just wanna smack someone. Any volunteers?

— Green Monk

It's a funny thing, the less people have to live for, the less nerve they have to risk losing nothing.

— Zora Neale Hurston

Bob Gibson is the luckiest pitcher I ever saw. He always pitches when the other team doesn't score any runs.

— Tim McCarver

Quit everything until you find something that you just cannot quit.

— Bobcat Goldthwait

“Looking but not seeing is the hearing but not understanding of the eye.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.

— Stephen Colbert

The evil which assails us is not in the localities we inhabit but in ourselves.

— Seneca the Younger

I've seen people who are not very likeable but hilarious. I think comedians get to a point where they know they're funny,…

— Ted Alexandro

“Where's Quinn?' "He went around the other side." Connor replied. Stealth mode." A war whoop and a mocking laugh belied that comment.…

— Alyxandra Harvey

“She moved in for a better look.It was a portrait of Bob Marley,a pretty good one,actually.No Woman, No Cry...that's right.No teenage girls…

— Sheri Meshal

“Don Lorenzo and 'Master Eccari' fenced pleasantries for a few moments thereafter; Galdo eventually let himself be skewered with the politest possible…

— Scott Lynch

I was intentionally curbing the impulse to be funny and hiding the ability. I wrote any number of very serious attempts at…

— Patrick deWitt

Comedians who aren't screenwriters are telling jokes that they themselves think are funny. They're expressing their own view of what they think…

— Craig Mazin

“The saga started out a normal day—don't they all? I mean, surely one morning back there in prehistoric times a dinosaur woke…

— Rachel Caine

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in…

— Henny Youngman

Let's focus on pairing single guests to avoid the reality of spending eternity as a couple.

— Anonymous

I've been up and down so many times that I feel as if I'm in a revolving door.

— Cher

Love perhaps includes the promise that when the mob comes for you I'll go against the mob.

— Teju Cole

What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get, that’s more the point.

— Tim Robbins

I always tell people, live happily and die majestically.

— B.K.S. Iyengar

It is a very hard undertaking to seek to please everybody.

— Publilius Syrus

They say treat people the way you like to be treated. I say retweet people the way they retweet you!.

— Nikhil Saluja

You must talk to us as equals, or not talk to us at all.

— David Ben-Gurion

Happy Labor Day to someone who barely labored this year.

— Anonymous

That can never be reasoned down which was not reasoned up.

— Fisher Ames

The amount of truth a relationship can handle is proportional to the amount of perceived love that's present.

— Henry Cloud

What is the subject of our thought? Experience! Nothing else!

— Hannah Arendt

You have to know where the funny is, and if you know where the funny is, you know everything.

— Sheila Heti

Today's Relationships: You can touch each other, but not each other's phones.

— Anonymous

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?

— Adam Carolla

Buddhism doesn't tell you what is false and what is true but it encourages you to find out for yourself.

— Chogyam Trungpa

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

— Steven Wright

I have been born more times than anybody except Krishna.

— Mark Twain

It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.

— W. C. Fields

Happy Hanukkah to someone spending eight days subtly trying to conceal their Judaism.

— Anonymous

Retain a calm heart, sit like a turtle, walk swiftly like a pigeon, and sleep like a dog

— Li Ching-Yuen

“Women who seek advice from single women about getting a man is like asking a homeless man how to be rich.”

— Habeeb Akande

There are questions we could not get past if we were not set free from them by our very nature.

— Franz Kafka

When you're a funny person,Most people don't know how to take you seriously.

— Abhishek Tiwari