Be the kind of woman that, when your feet hit the floor every morning, the devil says, 'Oh, crap. She's up.' — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When it comes down to it, @Taskrabbit is about neighbors connecting with neighbors — Leah Busque Copy Share Image
Eating Taco Bell is like sleeping with your ex. I feel horrible afterwards and I'm always drunk when I do it. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Baeyer-a chemist who was more of an encyclopedist than a researcher. — Richard Willstatter Copy Share Image
“Gimme an S! A T! An O! A C! Followed by a K-H-O-L-M! What's it spell? HEAD FUCK. - Jane” — J.R. Ward Copy Share Image
If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I'm starting to think that the gym isn't really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I glared at him. “You came all the way to Essex just to spy on us?” “Yeah.” He smirked. “I crossed the… — Leila Sales Copy Share Image
I know what Germans are. They are a funny people. They are always choosing someone to lead them in a direction which… — Gertrude Stein Copy Share Image
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The gummy bears tattoo was my idea. It's my son's favorite candy. The sketch was my other son's idea. It's a self-portrait… — Prince Fielder Copy Share Image
"And tired" always followed sick. Worst beating I ever got in my life, my mother said, "I am just sick..." And I… — Bill Cosby Copy Share Image
Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to… — Lyndon B. Johnson Copy Share Image
It's funny: I don't get to play characters where I wear what I want to wear. With 'Mad Men,' if Janie Bryant… — Ben Feldman Copy Share Image
It might be funny when you get hit by a car, but not when you get run over by one. — Rob Campbell Copy Share Image
The way I figure it, if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, I win. — Marc Maron Copy Share Image
Marry somebody you love. That's the whole thing. And continue to love them. — Charlie Daniels Copy Share Image
“The Church being what she is cannot have the instincts of a gentleman.” — George Everett Macdonald Copy Share Image
LOVE, What we have in common with the residents of all third-world countries; — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity. — Bo Burnham Copy Share Image
Fear depends on time for it's strength! Confront that which you fear with speed. — Grant Cardone Copy Share Image
Expect the worst And that's what You'll get Only it will be Much worse. — J. P. Donleavy Copy Share Image
Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... Made myself a sandwich. — Persia Copy Share Image
If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Richard Burton had a tremendous passion for the English language, especially the spoken and written word — Frank Bough Copy Share Image
Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
“He laughed, a big, open-mouthed laugh that made her think of words beginning with the letter O.” — Kerrigan Bane Copy Share Image
-Oh yes? Can you identify yourself? -Certainly. I'd know me anywhere. — Terry Pratchett Copy Share Image
Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap. — Frank Carson Copy Share Image
If you wisely invest in beauty, it will remain with you all the days of your life. — Frank Lloyd Wright Copy Share Image
If anyone is tweeting right now, I'm not pulling a knife on David Cronenberg! — Mark Kingwell Copy Share Image
