Funny Quotes · Page 648

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

— Rodney Dangerfield

In good films, there is always a directness that entirely frees us from the itch to interpret.

— Susan Sontag

Network was just never the right fit with what I think is funny.

— Jason Jones

Here I am as a human being...how can I express myself, totally and completely?

— Bruce Lee

80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed and the one book you didnt read.

— Ritu Ghatourey

Roses are red Violets are twisted Bend over baby, Prepare to get fisted

— Jake

Most people named Willie are either in prison or on the armwrestling circuit.

— Jase Robertson

The most important possible thing you can do is do a lot of work.

— Ira Glass

You know how old I am? I'm so old, I remember when Letterman used to be funny and it was presidents who…

— Rush Limbaugh

When people are committed to things, and the world view they have is no longer in alignment with our world view, then…

— Jeff Baena

“I'm a happy person. If you want to be around me, you can either choose to be happy too, or follow the…

— Sharon Swan

“...I was shocked and astonished when a daring little girl -- a cousin I think -- having waited under a group of…

— William Butler Yeats

Discipline is doing what you are supposed to do in the best possible manner at the time you are supposed to do…

— Mike Krzyzewski

“He shook his head at himself as he walked out into the night. For guys, life was nothing but one big pissing…

— Tami Hoag

I put on a sticky note the word SWAG I stuck it on my light switch so every time I get up…

— Anonymous

Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'

— Amy Schumer

Gluten free pizza elicits the same response at a hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80's.

— Natasha Leggero

Nothing so dates an era as its conception of the future.

— Brian Eno

Men are like...Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

— Anonymous

It would be funny if, while performing an abortion, someone yelled 'abort! abort!'

— Anonymous

When I was young I was afraid of dark, Now when I get my electricity bill I'm afraid of light.

— Green Monk

Do not touch MY iPhone. It's not an usPhone, it's not a wePhone, it's not an ourPhone. It's an iPhone.

— Ritu Ghatourey

If laughter is the best medicine, I think I just overdosed..

— Gothsynyster

Ah, to build, to build! That is the noblest of all the arts.

— Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way?

— Anonymous

I've never done anything comedic. In all the years I've been an actor, I've never delivered one comedic line.

— James D'arcy

Nobody else can be alive for you; nor can you be alive for anybody else.

— e. e. cummings

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

— Dylan Moran

When I tell people I'm a comedian they say, 'Oh, are you funny?' I say, 'No, it's not that kind of comedy.'

— Susan Sarandon

With the history of us, a book wouldn't necessarily be the best thing.

— Keisha Buchanan

Who's better lil Wayne or eminem?? I say eminem who do u think?

— Anonymous

“I know this is war, but the rest of us are trying to pretend it's a party.”

— Kristin Cashore

In my prime I could have handled Michael Jordan. Of course, he would be only 12 years old.

— Jerry Sloan

Our goal is to work against things we have not seen that we will see in the near future.

— Nick Saban

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

— Kristen Schaal

People with virtue must speak out; People who speak are not all virtuous.

— Confucius

Yes, my friend, and if you will steal for me then you will steal from me.

— Theodore Roosevelt

Volleyball anchored me at a time in my life when I needed it. It gave me a reason for being this big,…

— Gabrielle Reece

2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I'm sober. Sober people, when I'm drunk.

— Itsme867

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

— Paul Beatty