That awkward moment when the titanic sunk because the look out guys were watching rose and jack makeout. — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem. — George Burns Copy Share Image
If you hate someone and you want to screw their life, introduce them to Twitter. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I was a very quiet child growing up. I always knew that I was funny - I just never put it to… — Spoken Reasons Copy Share Image
Imagine meeting someone who understood even the dustiest corners of your mixed up soul. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I don't have the first clue who he is talking about, because all I worry about is Jerome. — Jerome James Copy Share Image
If a cop pulls me over and he says papers and I say scissors does that mean I have won — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Tell a girl she's BEAUTIFUL in a million times she'll never believe it, tell her she's UGLY ONCE and she'll never forget… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I love movies that are funny and scary and truly emotional all in one film, and I don't feel like I see… — Lee Unkrich Copy Share Image
I think audiences have always wanted to see women in the movies, but every time a movie like 'Bridesmaids' comes out, everyone… — Isla Fisher Copy Share Image
“This is you." She pointed at the stick figure with enormous red curly marks and blue eyes. Did my hair really look… — Jennifer L. Armentrout Copy Share Image
MARRIAGE CEREMONY, a rite which a clergyman should perform at no charge -- don't they say that you shouldn't profit by other… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press 1 eighteen thousand times. — Randy Glasbergen Copy Share Image
My sons the same, hes terribly funny. Its a wonderful power to have. Its also fantastically disarming. Women find it unbelievably disarming.… — Robbie Coltraine Copy Share Image
“My cousin fell in love with a dom, so I checked into it to see if I needed to kill him before… — Cherise Sinclair Copy Share Image
God gives us only what we can handle.. Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Success comes from doing what you enjoy. If you don't enjoy it, how can it be called success? — David Maister Copy Share Image
I have always been of opinion that a man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing. — Oscar Wilde Copy Share Image
“I can't see anything" he said in a muffled voice, hand over his eyes. "I'm blind.” — L.J. Smith Copy Share Image
There's a fine line between angry and grumpy. Angry isn't nice, but grumpy is funny. — Rick Wakeman Copy Share Image
Brewers enjoy working to make beer as much as drinking beer instead of working. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Weve all met people who are supposedly incredibly intelligent but dont know which way to sit on a lavatory. — Stephen Fry Copy Share Image
My wife alwayz complains that I dont take her anywhere expensive so I tuk her 2 de gas station — Meshack Kimaro Copy Share Image
2 hour movie, 30 second sex scene. Guess which part your parents happen to walk in on? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“What kinda vows?" Celibacy? I thought, though I didn't say it. Nobody keeps a celibacy vow anyway.” — Cassandra Rose Clarke Copy Share Image
Exercising Amendment (I) , If you have a problem I will demonstrate Amendment (II). — Jenny The Jawbreaker Copy Share Image
Happy Veterans Day from someone who can barely handle the simulated warfare of video games. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If I wished to punish a province, I would have it governed by philosophers. — Frederick The Great Copy Share Image
I Don't hate you, it's just that my attitude has some issues with your personality. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Leadership is not about being in charge. Leadership is about taking care of those in your charge. — Simon Sinek Copy Share Image
