Funny Quotes · Page 634

“I feel the color in my cheeks rising again. I must be the color of The Communist Manifesto.”

— E.L. James

“Love isn't two matching unicycles. Love is a bicycle—and mine just got stolen.
”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Expectation Girl : I'm Cold :/ Boy : *Wraps Arm Around Girl And Smile* Warm Now ?

— Anonymous

Hey Steve, no offense, but if you couldn't shoot, there would be no reason for you to be alive.

— Charles Barkley

Ladies and gentlemen are permitted to have friends in the kennel, but not in the kitchen.

— George Bernard Shaw

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is…

— Tim Vine

Dude lets watch a scary movie after the movie dude walk me to the bathroom

— Unknow

Manute Bol is so skinny they save money on road trips. They just fax him from city to city.

— Woody Allen

I literally cringe every time I see someone trying to trash talk. Some people just don't have it and they try, and…

— Alexander Volkanovski

A couple is married for 47 years and the woman dies. At the funeral, the pallbearers swing the coffin, which hits a…

— Nikhil Saluja

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or…

— Nikhil Saluja

That awkward moment when your parents tell you to stay in the line when you're shopping, and when you're almost near the…

— Anonymous

I don't understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? …If I'm trusting you with my money, you should trust…

— Anonymous

“His heart beat so rapidly it might burst; he kept telling himself everything was fine so long as he remained a giraffe.”

— Andrew Sturm

Sex is a sensation caused by temptation when a guy sticks his location in a girls destination to increase the population of…

— Mohamad Izz Khalis

It is neither Art for Art, nor Art against Art. I am for Art, but for Art that has nothing to do…

— Robert Rauschenberg

If Life hands you lemons, squeeze them in people's eyes!

— Misha Uso

Some days I look at Tessa and I just think this is such a funny little relationship that we have.

— Scott Moir

Ceremonies are the first thing to be attended to in the practice of government.

— Confucius

Oh!" said my aunt, "I was not aware at first to whom I had the pleasure of objecting.

— Charles Dickens

When someone says 'I like your shirt.' I look down to see what I am wearing.

— Anonymous

She ask me would I ever hit her...yea ill hit cha wit dis LOOOOOOOOOOOONGàDIIIIIIIIIIIICKàªlol¬8==========D

— IG:caonte_2_funny

Learn to be pleased with everything...because it could always be worse, but isn't!

— Plutarch

What you see is what you get, so make your move you wont regret.

— Anonymous

God saved you for Himself; God saved you by Himself; God saved you from Himself.

— Paul Washer

On this twelfth day of my diet I would rather die satiated than slim.

— Marge Piercy

How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name.

— Yogi Berra

Your suffering is my suffering and your happiness is my happiness.

— Gautama Buddha

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

— Sarah Silverman

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

— Nikhil Saluja

That awkward moment when you finish a medium popcorn by the opening credits at the movie theater.

— Anonymous

We all lived in this century, I didn't live in this century,

— Dan Quayle

Laws, in their most general signification, are the necessary relations derived from the nature of things.

— Baron de Montesquieu

When I was five I said I wanted to be either a funny man or on an advert.

— Angus Deayton

The U.S., out of all places, is just absolutely incredible.

— Liam Payne

Hey, how do you spell ICUP? I-C-U-P What?! eww! [Â¥] if you remember this.(:

— Anonymous

Sometimes I ask, God, seriously, seriously, really...how, how, how did she not come out blond?

— Nicolle Walters

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

— Demetri Martin

When it all comes down to it, life isn't about how much we get - it's about how much we share.

— Tyler Perry

If I could smoke from more than one orifice, I most certainly would.

— Graham Parker