I'm not really a comedian, innit; I just naturally say things which people class as funny. — Big Narstie Copy Share Image
I know the place. It is true. Everything we do Corrects the space Between death and me And you. — Harold Pinter Copy Share Image
A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours. — Ronald Reagan Copy Share Image
Bread that must be sliced with an axe is bread that is too nourishing. — Fran Lebowitz Copy Share Image
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're...you're...booty call! — Mustache Man Copy Share Image
When I'm bored, nobody texts me. When I'm busy, BAM! I'm the most popular kid on the plane — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm an appalling cook. I can just about create a glass of orange juice and a ham-and-cheese sandwich. — Dara O Briain Copy Share Image
I go so far as to say, miss, morehover," proceeded Mr. Cruncher, with a most alarming tendency to hold forth as from… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
“Get the point?" I asked, offering the boys a triumphant smile. Gabriel, Zeb, and Dick stared at me, aghast. "What? Sarcastic postkill… — Molly Harper Copy Share Image
I was trying to hold on but you were trying to let go. But know this; once you let me go, I… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Your true meaning cannot be grasped or captured by words. You can never be equated with any words, because you are prior… — Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj Copy Share Image
What is the use of straining after an amiable view of things, when a cynical view is most likely to be the… — George Bernard Shaw Copy Share Image
The best thing that can happen to a couple married for fifty years or more is that they both grow nearsighted together. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Steven Spielberg is going to release a biopic about Abraham Lincoln next year. Right, that's a good way to honor Lincoln … — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and… — Rachel Caine Copy Share Image
I do not think discursively. It is not so much that I arrive at truth as that I take my start from… — Nikolai Berdyaev Copy Share Image
The big advantage of a book is that it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
(You watching video by yourself) You: HAHAHAHAAAAA! (You showing friend video) You: Hang on, it gets better. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he's a compulsive liar, but I don't believe him. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Mom: Come here! Me: No. Mom: 1... Me: Haha counting won't work. Mom: 2... Me: Holy duck, I AM COMING! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Politician: Whoever shakes your hand before elections and your wallet after elections. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
''A lesson I learned from a toothache : Even the sweetest thing on the earth can hurt.'' — Scarlet Kim Copy Share Image
Isn't it funny - why is it called a tennis bracelet? It doesn't seem very tennis, does it? — John Cameron Mitchell Copy Share Image
A true friend will see you through when others see that you are through. — Laurence J. Peter Copy Share Image
I know a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
It's funny... musical theater is what paid my rent and kept me going for the longest time. — Bryan Batt Copy Share Image
The main problem with teenagers is that they're just like their parents were at their age. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you don't advertise yourself you will be advertised by your loving enemies. — Elbert Hubbard Copy Share Image
The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
How girls put on their pants: *Left leg*, *Right leg* *Wiggle* *Wiggle* *Jump* *Jump* *Squat* *Stretch* Done… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I was very disappointed (at the U.S. Open), and I went out there and I worked really hard. — Maria Sharapova Copy Share Image
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
