Funny Quotes · Page 625

Science is about nature. And God, if he exists, transcends nature.

— Kenneth R. Miller

“Good man and bad man with money goes a long ways." ~ Amunhotep El Bey”

— Amunhotep El Bey

Before most people start boasting about their family tree, they already have done a good pruning job.

— Orlando Aloysius Battista

My daughter said she's gonna be a hoe for Halloween. I think it's cute that she likes gardening.

— Anonymous

I find the pressure to be funny when you're being interviewed live - quite intense.

— Julian Barratt

Why be something to everybody when you can be everything to somebody?

— Gilbert K. Chesterton

Don't be afraid of opposition. Remember, a kite rises against, not with, the wind.

— Hamilton Wright Mabie

A Man's penis is so polite. It stands up so girls have a place to sit down.

— Green Monk

I asked a lady on the street for directions. I know women have no sense of direction, I just wanted to look…

— Nikhil Saluja

“You said you'd give me half an hour!' 'And you said you'd satisfy me whenever I wanted it. I want it now.'…

— Kresley Cole

The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.

— Bill Maher

I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog…

— Marie Corelli

“Now I know this is going to seem counter to every instinct that you have, but I'm going to ask you to…

— Anna White

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute

— Anonymous

Whenever you say 'yes' to anything, there is less of you for something else. Make sure your 'yes' is worth the less.

— Louie Giglio

Forty million Americans smoked marijuana; the only ones who didn’t like it were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton.

— Jay Leno

We have now armed to such an extent as the world has never before seen.

— Adolf Hitler

I really lived life to its fullest and that got me in trouble from time to time.

— Matthew Perry

It is trust, more than money, that makes the world go round.

— Joseph Stiglitz

I'm pretty sure my grandmom watches over me whenever I masturbate. The sound of that walker is so unbearable.

— Nikhil Saluja

There is nothing at all wrong with having money unless money has you.

— Norman Vincent Peale

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to?

— Bette Midler

You got a problem with me? Well you can take that up with my older brother. I'm SURE he'll fix the problem ;)

— Rayy

We shall be judged by what we do, not by how we felt while we were doing it.

— Kenneth Tynan

Love in 2013 means answering each others texts immediatly

— Ana

Fret not over the irretrievable, but ever act as if thy life were just begun.

— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece: Gently aging, but still a warmand desirable place to visit.

— Nikhil Saluja

I am thankful to all of you who said no, its because of you, that I did it myself...

— Live_Skate_Smoke

Spontaneous is what you get after the seventeenth draft.

— John Ciardi

I looooooooooooooove looooooooooooooooooooooooong romantic walks to the fridge;)

— Mikayla Shwietzer

The traffic began crawling now- but it was a progress even a snail would have been ashamed to claim.

— Anonymous

The people have the power. All we have to do is awaken the power in the people.

— John Lennon

I do not like abortions. I will do everything in my power to restrict abortion.

— George W. Bush

I'm very lighthearted, outgoing, friendly, and funny, so I like to try new things.

— Chandler Parsons

If I killed time, how can I bring it back from the dead?

— Jaimie Fayt

“It's sick and twisted and violent. Other than that it is totally G rated.”

— Elizabeth Cruickshank

My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.

— Angie Dickinson

Evan Price is not a man to be questioned. He is a man who will question you.

— Hugh Howey

Lolz I'm gonna say that next time I'm wearing a dress and someone asks me that lol

— Brittany

What you resist will persist; what you befriend, you will transcend.

— Robin Sharma