Funny Quotes · Page 618

That noise in my earphones knocked my nose off and I had to pick it up and find it.

— Jerry Coleman

I enjoy making people laugh, but what I find funny and put online, others might misconstrue and find jerkish.

— Josh Rosen

Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.

— Anonymous

...there isn't often anything in Wagner opera that one would call by such a violent name as acting.

— Mark Twain

A friendship counting nearly forty years is the finest kind of shade-tree I know.

— James Russell Lowell

If you find something that gets hold of you in the Word, pass it on to somebody that very day.

— E. Stanley Jones

Band director: Tromboners, remember to be in the right position. Trumpeters, finger fast and blow hard.

— Alec Straub

He who keeps danger in mind will rest safely in his seat.

— Confucius

“What do you want? Where's the goddamn ice I ordered? Where's the booze? There's a war on, man! People are being killed!”

— Hunter S. Thompson

Each American embassy comes with two permanent features - a giant anti-American demonstration and a giant line for American visas. Most demonstrators…

— P. J. O'Rourke

Kevin Hart. He's the man! I like his style. He's short, so I can relate. All the stories he tells are real.…

— Cameron Boyce

Women are like a computer virus... they enter your life, scan your pockets, transfer your money, edit your mind, download their problems,…

— Anonymous

At the age of sixty, to marry a beautiful girl of sixteen is to imitate those ignorant people who buy books to…

— Anonymous

We want to tell him [Blair] that we have not executed anybody. They are either killed in battle, most of them get…

— Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

If I knew exactly what I know now and had it to do over, I'd be a switch hitter. No telling what…

— Hank Aaron

The three phrases that'll get you through life: 1: Cover for me. 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! 3: It was like that…

— Anonymous

The best example of democracy I can recall is five wolves sitting down to dinner with one sheep.

— Charles De Montesquieu

The heaviest burden of life is… . . . . . . . . . An Empty Pocket

— Green Monk

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

— Nikhil Saluja

I told my friend I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

— Deezy Da Dreadhead

Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.

— Jim Carrey

When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed but increased.

— C. S. Lewis

“Somehow, having a deer preside over the ceremony of a werewolf and a girl seems oddly appropriate.”

— Maggie Stiefvater

In modern America, food is abundant everywhere except aboard commercial airplanes.

— Dave Barry

Its so funny how as soon as a girl sees a hot guy they automaticly want to be best buddies with them.

— Cassandra Crosby

When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important will be illegible.

— Anonymous

Peace is not everything, but without peace, everything is nothing.

— Willy Brandt

If you have a good idea, open your mouth and say something else.

— Keith Johnstone

The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves.

— Thomas Merton

You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners.

— Kristen Schaal

“Satan impregnated my mother one lovely spring morning. We didn’t have the heart to tell my father.”

— Holly Hood

Sex is important to guys. We need stories to tell our friends.

— Adam Ferrara

You a parody, hilarity, that funny shit for the parakeets.

— Mac Miller

There are 3 types of people: 1. People who pee in the shower 2. Liars 3. Multidimensionally Retarted

— Jewelizeemint Deelouviou

Nearly everyone I knew talked to me about God. They always warned me not to offend Him.

— Marilyn Monroe

“He's like a man with a fork, in a world of soup. (about his brother Liam)”

— Noel Gallagher

Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.

— Andy Rooney

Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar.

— Billy Crystal

My sincere apologies to those, I havent offended yet. Sorry you feel so left out, promise Ill get to you soon.

— Green Monk

Germany are a very difficult team to play... they have eleven internationals out there today.

— Steve Lomas