“Love is a banana. First you peel it, and then you roll on the condom. ” — Dark Jar Tin Zoo Copy Share Image
Starbucks acts like they're so fancy. You sell hot black water and muffins. Calm down. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
There is nothing that Nature seems to have inclined us to as much as society. — Niccolo Machiavelli Copy Share Image
I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger. — Bill Cosby Copy Share Image
I auditioned for the leading role in 'The Kissing Booth' that came out on Netflix, funny enough. — Noah Centineo Copy Share Image
Just remember that when nobody was there for you, I was. And when nobody else gave a damn, I did. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I was seized by the stern hand of Compulsion, that dark, unreasonable Urge that impels women to clean house in the middle… — James Thurber Copy Share Image
“My heart started racing, not the bad kind of heart racing, like I'm going to die. But the good kind of heart… — Maria Semple Copy Share Image
I write what I think is funny and I write from a sense of popping a balloon or a sense of injustice,… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
These mercenaries and hirelings kidnapped civilians in the Al-Faw Peninsula so that they might claim that they captured Iraqi soldiers. — Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf Copy Share Image
Back when Sammy Davis, Jr. and Dean Martin were doing roasts, they were all friends. They knew each other's children, each other's… — Charlie Murphy Copy Share Image
I love every minute of fatherhood, staying up all night, changing nappies, kids crying, I find it really funny and inspiring. It… — Elton John Copy Share Image
At this point, I've really failed at a lot of things. It's nice to be able to say that, in a way.… — Steve-O Copy Share Image
Explanation changes whatever is explained into something explainable. — Wendell Berry Copy Share Image
Edmonton is not the end of the world but you can certainly see it from there. — Mordecai Richler Copy Share Image
When he is without money, his wife becomes secretary; When he has money, his secretary becomes wife. Man O Man! — Irfan Khan Copy Share Image
Larry Lintz steals second standing up. He slid, but he didn't have to. — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
I'd dress up as Siri for Halloween if my life didn't already entail being asked stupid questions all day. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It's hard to keep on being civil when they ask you such annoying questions. — Olivia de Havilland Copy Share Image
It's Friday and I'm ready to swing. Pick up my girls and hit the party scene. — Aaliyah Copy Share Image
If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Bitch you're as stupid as the kid who prank called me the other day and forgot to put their number on private.. — Zendy Copy Share Image
Someone told me I had funny facial expressions. I don't know whether I take that as a compliment or not, but. — Lucy Punch Copy Share Image
Ou don't realize how easy this game is until you get up in that broadcasting booth. — Mickey Mantle Copy Share Image
I don't always tweet when I'm drunk, but when I do, it's when I'm visiting my family. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“Boy, you knock on the devil's door and he will head-slam you through the wall." -Dev” — Sherrilyn Kenyon Copy Share Image
Don't Take It Seriously * When the INTERIOR DECORATOR says, Once it's in, you'll love it — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
My attitude in exams, they give me questions I don't know, I give them answers they don't know.. — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
I am all in favour of spontaneity, providing it is carefully planned and ruthlessly controlled. — John Gielgud Copy Share Image
If you don’t get excited about the gospel, you’ve never really grasped what it’s telling you. — Derek Prince Copy Share Image
