Some adults would rather pretend that bad things dont exist than to talk about them. — Laurie Halse Anderson Copy Share Image
Not to get all technical; but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
That moment when you miss one step on the stairs, and you think you're about to die… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It was dog food. Beef livers with onions in a can. You open it up and it looks like vomit. — Tom Sizemore Copy Share Image
My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
There is a theory which states that if ever for any reason anyone discovers what exactly the Universe is for and why… — Douglas Adams Copy Share Image
Have patience with all things, but, first of all with yourself. And then murder the asshole, Retweeting your Twitter Crush. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I really enjoy that we have a big family and at Christmas there are six of us and we irritate the piss… — Florence And The Machine Copy Share Image
As a veteran of many an electoral defeat at the polls, may I remind you of the proper Texan attitude toward slaughter… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Dear Selena Gomez, wow. where do I begin? i've always loved you. you're an amazing actor and singer. I'm insanely jealous of… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
A lot of what I think is funny is usually through some sort of character, or speaking earnestly one second and then… — Patti Harrison Copy Share Image
I don't know anybody that has a teenage son or daughter who at some point hasn't been like, 'God, I hate them'… — Jaime Pressly Copy Share Image
