Why is everyone congratulating me on my sister-in-law being pregnant? I had nothing to do with it! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Instead of calling in sick today, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Unless you're under 12 or into role playing, you shouldn't be wearing Mickey Mouse ears #AHOLE” — Andy Ostrom Copy Share Image
There are some situations from which one can only escape by acting like a devil or a lunatic. — George Orwell Copy Share Image
I'm not conflicted. Because I know. There's me, and there's the show. — Jerry Springer Copy Share Image
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. — Johnny Carson Copy Share Image
Trust me, when I woke up today I had no plans on being awesome, but shit happens! — Skate_or_Die Copy Share Image
My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
There was an interview with me when I was nine years old. They showed it on the local news and I said:… — Michelle Payne Copy Share Image
Time is the measurer of all things, but is itself immeasurable, and the grand discloser of all things, but is itself undisclosed. — Charles Caleb Colton Copy Share Image
I don't need to wake up in the morning feeling like P.Diddy when I could just wake up in the morning feeling… — Sarahi Gonzalez Copy Share Image
One day I along with my friends had the curiosity to do some experiment and we came up with a new taste… — Dharmendra Copy Share Image
We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
A sportswriter once referred to him as our future president. With a name like Kevin, I don't know whether that's possible. — Barack Obama Copy Share Image
My mom asked me how was I going to dress this halloween. I replied sarcastically ''Like a hoe''. She thought it was… — Avalon Copy Share Image
