David Spade

I never have kids in movies or in TV shows.

— David Spade

I never dated much in high school or college.

— David Spade

It's so crazy in Hollywood.

— David Spade

I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.

— David Spade

I've been with a beautiful girl from time to time.

— David Spade

It's funny because it's funny.

— David Spade

I changed my act because I wasn't getting booked.

— David Spade

Single guys get a bad rap.

— David Spade

My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators.

— David Spade

On Sundays, I lay low, sulk a lot, and try to get my head together for next week.

— David Spade

I've got to get on myself to be sharp, funny and loose.

— David Spade

I just don't like to go out and deal with the real world. It's scary.

— David Spade

To make money I picked up work as a busboy, valet parker, skateboard shop employee.

— David Spade

I don't like throwing myself in a place that's going to rock my world.

— David Spade

Everyone is so weird in L.A. that if you're somewhat normal, it's exotic.

— David Spade

I'm scared of slipping up, of just doing a joke that makes me laugh.

— David Spade

My older brother was cool, so I was suddenly cool by association. And I totally dusted all my old math friends.

— David Spade

I can see getting married and having a family, because it is the next thing on the agenda. You can only do…

— David Spade

I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the…

— David Spade

Staying in a hotel this time. They put me up in a little bit of a shithole. Yeah. Just this side of…

— David Spade

Horrible date all through high school and college. Here's an impression of me on a date in high school. Come on, chug…

— David Spade

The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there. It's not like people are mean to you,…

— David Spade

I talk to my dad all the time, he's more like my buddy than my father, and he's not happy that I…

— David Spade

I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.

— David Spade

Seriously, you don't have to know English. It'd be nice, a nice little plus. We don't want miracles. You don't have to…

— David Spade

Spent most of the summer looking for shade. Driving around. Shade. Please? Driving in malls. I'll park a mile away I don't…

— David Spade

It's hard for your mom to tell you she has an oral fixation and has to have something in her mouth. My…

— David Spade

I want to get away from it all. Move to the sticks. Montana. Hundreds of miles from civilization. Get a cabin in…

— David Spade

“I’d tell her to come over at 10 A.M. and she’d roll in at 10:45 with a Starbucks going “The fucking 405…

— David Spade

MySpace is a great way to keep in touch with friends who you don't care enough about to actually have a conversation…

— David Spade

“(I don’t want to talk about that right this second but just FYI, I’m a little bit of an athlete . . . I…

— David Spade

It's hard to have a career.

— David Spade

My career is just kind of crazy.

— David Spade

Nobody wants to read about your life. Who cares?

— David Spade

To be famous and broke is hard.

— David Spade

I'm like a Dilbert cartoon.

— David Spade

I have no detectable hair style.

— David Spade

I'm always making fun of myself and my friends.

— David Spade

You know, you want to pull in a wide audience.

— David Spade

I have two skateboards, but I don't get to use them much. I have a snowboard, which I've never used.

— David Spade