I'm gonna kick your teeth so far down your throat you'll be able to chew your own ass out for pissin' me… — The Undertaker Copy Share Image
The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians. — Steve Forbes Copy Share Image
If you don't like what you're getting, then change what you're doing. It's up to you. — Pat Croce Copy Share Image
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass. — Bob Davies Copy Share Image
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Amateurs practice until they get it right. Professionals practice until it can't go wrong. — Julie Andrews Copy Share Image
I don't know if the art of stand-up will survive. Stand-up seems dated. Now you can do a mini-movie or a short… — George Lopez Copy Share Image
Who do I like? I am a big fan of French and Saunders - not that that they are particularly stand-up I… — Jo Brand Copy Share Image
I think this is the funny thing about PWR BTTM that a lot of people don't realize at first, which is that… — Liv Bruce Copy Share Image
Wasn't Winston Churchill the first black president of America? There's a statue of him near me... that's black... — Danielle O'Hara Copy Share Image
When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Our life is like dancing training, at start we dont always know what we are doing but we keep moving till we… — Shubham Pal Copy Share Image
Zayn in a horror movie. *Phone rings* Zayn: Vas Happenin? Killer: I see you. Zayn: … Killer: … Zayn: Do I look good?. — Directioner Copy Share Image
“Often the inspiration to write music comes from the voices in your head. You’re not crazy. Just be thankful they are not… — Shannon Alder Copy Share Image
We all can't be famous but we can all be great and we become great when we serve others — Martin Luther King, Jr Copy Share Image
If the quarterback throws the ball in the endzone and the wide receiver catches it, it's a touchdown. — John Madden Copy Share Image
OMG! I just discovered I have a super power! I can be invisible… Oh no no wait, I'm just being ignored. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
It's funny to think that at 22 years old, I was really burned out from being on the road for 10 years. — Maren Morris Copy Share Image
A man with a dream. A very simple dream, mostly involving nachos and beer, but a dream nonetheless. — Marc MacKenzie Copy Share Image
Before you marry someone, ask yourself, 'Will they be a good killing partner during the zombie apocalypse?' — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Success in the movies has pushed me to places I didn't know I was allowed to go. — Ian Mckellen Copy Share Image
Mary Decker Slaney, the world greatest front runner, I shouldn't be surprised to see her at the front — Ron Pickering Copy Share Image
The more I learn about God, the more aware I become of what I don’t know about him. — R. C. Sproul Copy Share Image
He comes back with the script, and it's racist like a 1940's Newspaper. — Katt Williams Copy Share Image
There's only one thing that keeps me from breaking you in half, I don't want two of you around. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Nothing is scarier than attmepting the first fart after having diarrhea. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I get the nerve to get him a Valintines Day Card and he says '...Im gay'. How did I miss that. — Helaine-Diane Copy Share Image
Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures. — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
He who asserts he is free, shall be free. He who says he is bound, bound he shall remain. — Swami Vivekananda Copy Share Image
KISSING, While, medically, it may not spread infection -- it sure lowers a girl's resistance; — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
