Funny Quotes · Page 600

You can't please everyone, but you can piss them all off at the same time!

— Anonymous

What a father says to his children is not heard by the world, but it will be heard by posterity.

— Jean Paul

Whatever your orientation is, it is working on everything around you.

— John de Ruiter

I would much rather be someone with high self-esteem and less funny.

— Nikki Glaser

To bring anything really to life in literature we can't be lifelike: we have to be literature-like

— Northrop Frye

Like I always say, there's no 'I' in team. There is a 'me', though, if you jumble it up.

— David Shore

For the drover's life has pleasures that the townsfolk never know,

— Banjo Paterson

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

— Billy Connolly

Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you…

— Jim Gaffigan

I love anybody funny. I think my ten-year-old sister is really funny. She makes me laugh way more than most people do.

— Chelsea Martin

While you are not able to serve men, how can you serve spirits of the dead...While you do not know life, how…

— Confucius

“I wanted to beat the heck out of the JV guys for that, except I wouldn't know what to do in a…

— Carrie Harris

If I simply live the principles that appear to be truth for me, I will touch the lives of those I am…

— Marlo Morgan

A lot of times in comedy, and also in podcasting and television, there are different kinds of voices that can be celebrated.…

— Phoebe Robinson

“Says O'Sullivan to me, "Mr. Fay, I'll have a word wid yeh?" "Certainly," says I; "what can I do for you?" "Sell…

— Jack London

Spongebob: Remember Patrick, flatter the customer. Make him feel good. *Guy opens the door* Patrick: I love you. ~Noelle¥

— Anonymous

I just realized that our fears are bigger than our dreams.

— Green Monk

The walk of shame when you have to put something back in a store after your mom says no.

— Anonymous

Every match I go into, I'm the huge favorite. I lose a set and it's, like, crazy.

— Roger Federer

Never be hurried out of the relationship of abiding in Him.

— Oswald Chambers

You'll like Inception if you like movies about characters trying to explain what Inception is about.

— Anonymous

The biggest commitment you must keep is your commitment to yourself.

— Neale Donald Walsch

Life is a dance between making it happen and letting it happen.

— Arianna Huffington

BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

— Nikhil Saluja

“You know what they say, Two pairs a company, cheese a croud”

— Annoying Orange

Finding a perfect boyfriend is like searching for a unicorn.

— Sara

Funny how someone telling you not to do something can talk you into it.

— Richelle Mead

“A red eight-sided sign always means: A) Stop. B) Go. C) Danger! Red octogons ahead!”

— Cuthbert Soup

The Awkward Moment When Your Bro Does Tell A Cool Story.

— Tony Mayhew

I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept trying to cover me up

— Anonymous

He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.

— Dylan Moran

“Sometimes I think this whole movement is led by a bunch of idiots.”

— Tahereh Mafi

If our lives are out of tune with the music of the gospel, we must tune them up.

— Wilford W. Andersen

Out of sight of land the sailor feels safe. It is the beach that worries him.

— Charles Davis

It is sufficient to say, according to the proverb, that here is God's plenty.

— John Dryden

Listening to a conversation & screaming all the funny things you'd say in your head...

— Anonymous

Now I got my foot - through the door - and I ain't goin' no where.

— Gwen Stefani

Losing Searchquotes account is more annoying than losing girlfriend

— RK26

“Of course it hurts, it’s a spanking. How else would it work?”

— Breanna Hayse

You break it, you buy it. Hell no. I break it, slowly leave it there & awkwardly walk away..

— Anonymous