What is this mysterious thing, sleep, that you speak of? Please introduce me. — Kaliana Dietrich Copy Share Image
If Lisa From Temecula was more aware of herself, she wouldn't be as funny. — Ego Nwodim Copy Share Image
Surely there must be a better gift God could have given us than life? — Michael O'Donoghue Copy Share Image
When I don’t understand, I have an unbearable itch to know why. — Robert A. Heinlein Copy Share Image
Success isn't something that occurs. Success is something that you create — Robin Sharma Copy Share Image
We will get them stuck in the mud and we will certainly defeat them. — Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf Copy Share Image
Worst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, you… — Steven Rubenstein Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You were an escalator, and I was a flight of stairs. You thought I was a… — Dora J. Arod Copy Share Image
Ecology is often confused with environmentalism, while in fact, environmentalism often leaves out the fact that people, too, can be a legitimate… — Frank Herbert Copy Share Image
“I spend most of my days up to my elbows in someone’s chest cavity. Really, I know zip about music." He didn’t… — Sarah Mayberry Copy Share Image
Hey, remember when you had acrush on _____ Wait. What. Pshh. No. That never happened. Why would you think that? Of course not. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn".… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
80 saal ka Buddha rape case me jail gaya. Dost:- Tune is umar me ye kiya kaise? Buddhha:- Koi rape nahi kiya.… — Sadie Copy Share Image
“Here.” He spread his legs wider and patted the floor between them. “You’ll be warmer, and I promise I won’t grope you… — Meg Maguire Copy Share Image
One of the things I've realized is how portable God is. No really, He's everywhere! — Tracee Ellis Ross Copy Share Image
“A woman is always better in everything with the mouth; she talks a lot.” — M.F. Moonzajer Copy Share Image
Cool is the enemy of funny. You can't be cool and be funny at the same time. Only Eddie Murphy could do… — Tracy Morgan Copy Share Image
The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. — George Deukmejian Copy Share Image
Once you get away from wanting to get paid, you can actually say some true things. — Roseanne Barr Copy Share Image
FUNNY BUT TRUE: Combine study is meeting friends, where all aspects of world are discussed except studies! — Asli Copy Share Image
If you are scared you die every day. If you are not scared, you die only once. — Giovanni Falcone Copy Share Image
I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they're home. I'm that way at Saks. — Caroline Rhea Copy Share Image
I suddenly realized I was racing around so much, I could never catch up with my life — Pico Iyer Copy Share Image
The awkward moment when you finish an article and need to save but press Cancel Button. — Mak_786 Copy Share Image
The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English. — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'! — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
People say you can't live without love…i think oxygen is more important :P — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Plumbers are red, Hedgehogs are blue. Press Start to join And be my player 2 — Myothersweetangel199 Copy Share Image
If I am old-fashioned, it's not a conscious decision. I just do material that I think is funny. — Lee Mack Copy Share Image
A lot of my early pictures are, I think, quite funny. And these days I tend to look for comedy more and… — Helen Levitt Copy Share Image
“I wouldn't miss this fake-homo show for all the Gucci Shoes on Rodeo Drive.” — River Jaymes Copy Share Image
