Funny Quotes · Page 556

You know I only go to church for two reasons, weddings and funerals, which one we gonna have today?

— Madea

Im the kind of person my parents want me to stay away from

— Ana Chable

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.

— Chic Murray

Letting your phone ring a few times before answering so you seem busy. *Hahaha this is so me..*

— Anonymous

It's better to go slowly in the right direction than go speeding off in the wrong direction.

— Simon Sinek

Most copywriters are like engines. They take a while to warm up to get to the point.

— Drayton Bird

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.

— Anonymous

Funny you hating me so much, shows you sure do think about me a lot!

— Kemis Khan

You can delete me on Facebook, you can unfollow me on Twitter, you can delete my number, but you can never unlick…

— Sylvia Plath

I'm an unorthodox type of guy, a funny guy - at least I think I'm funny. And one of the things I…

— Shaquille O'Neal

Took me a while to get to the point today, but that is because I did not know what the point was…

— William Safire

My father walked to school 4 o'clock every morning with no shoes on, uphill, both ways, in 5 feet of snow and…

— Bill Cosby

When I consider that the noble animals have been exterminated here - the cougar, panther, lynx, wolverine, wolf, bear, moose, deer, the…

— Henry David Thoreau

If your girlfriend is gaining weight, support her to walk 5 miles a day. In just a month she will be 300 miles away.

— Zhat

You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun…

— Chris Rock

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously…

— Mitch Hedberg

Just finished deleting some friends on Facebook, if you can read this then you got lucky.

— Nate

Treat me like a joke and I'll leave you like it's funny.

— Anonymous

The trick is to not let people know how really weird you are until it's too late for them to back out

— Christine

Right now is a great time to be a woman in tech, but there's not enough women in tech,

— Marissa Mayer

I wish I remotely made enough money from my labor to afford a Labor Day vacation.

— Anonymous

He who knows the activities of Nature lives according to Nature.

— Zhuangzi

When you have something that close to you, you want to make sure that you're aware of it.

— Lucy Liu

The only difference between me and a madman is that Im not mad.

— Anonymous

Is there anything in life so disenchanting as achievement?

— Robert Louis Stevenson

You can't make someone else's choices. You shouldn't let someone else make yours.

— Colin Powell

When I was little, I use to think the moon followed my car c;

— Anonymous

Scrolling down your inbox and remembering each memory in every text message.

— Anonymous

You can't truly rest until every area in your life rests in God.

— Aiden Wilson Tozer

How often in life must one be content with what one can get!

— Winston Churchill

With so many girls pregnant at school, condoms should be on the supply list.

— Pretty Ladii

Once you start being a muse, you cannot stop being a muse.

— Carine Roitfeld

Your a diaper beacuse you are always on my butt and full of crap

— Autumn Kohler

Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill.

— Frankie Boyle

This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers.

— Dave Barry

Seriously, some Americans just shouldnt leave the country.

— Carl Lewis

Dear MATH, stop asking to find your X, shes not coming back.

— Anonymous

I really like my life. I've arranged my life so that I can do what I want.

— Warren Buffett

They say money can't buy happiness, but it can buy a shitload of beer and tacos and that's close enough.

— Green Monk

If you dont drink, then all of your stories suck and end with, And then I got home...

— Jim Jefferies