Leno, Conan. They are both really funny. They really know how to land one. — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Like backstage, I just peed like every 3 seconds. I think yur staff thinks I have diarrhea. — Jennifer Lawrence Copy Share Image
Make sure to stay in shape this winter since you may not be able to sign up for Obamacare until spring. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
That awesome moment when the whole class laughed at what you said, so you just sit there like a boss. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Followers, because calling them The people who are witnessing your failure is too sad. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I always thought there were two kinds of males in the world: the ones who look good naked and the ones who… — David Hewlett Copy Share Image
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for the night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Admit it, you love him so much you Facebook stalk him, overthink your status in case he reads them & look at… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
A lot of female comedians will go up there in a sweatshirt and Converses, trying to dress themselves down, because it is… — Carly Craig Copy Share Image
Sometimes people get mad at The Simpsons' subversive story telling, but there's another message in there, which is a celebration of making… — Matt Groening Copy Share Image
It's funny because unlike back in the seventies when I made hardly any money, today I could just live off the past… — Mick Rock Copy Share Image
Man is born for uprightness. If a man lose his uprightness and yet live, his escape from death is mere good fortune. — Confucius Copy Share Image
“Zeb was kindergarten teacher--a good one. I always thought it was because he was the same emotional age as his students.” — Molly Harper Copy Share Image
Sister to sister we will always be, a couple of nuts off the family tree. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
"You learn when you listen. You earn when you listen-not just money, but respect. — Harvey Mackay Copy Share Image
Only in the irrational and unknown direction can we come to wisdom again — Jack Parsons Copy Share Image
When you are in the dark and you can't see anything, something is looking at you seeing everything — Zak Bagans Copy Share Image
Another day at work...I'm having as much fun as a colorblind person playing twister. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Steve Kerr, now coaching Golden State after eight tumultuous and very inconsistent years at TNT. — Marv Albert Copy Share Image
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four." — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“If my name was Richard, I'd go by Richard or Rich...not Dick. Hell I'd even settle for being called Chard.” — Simone Elkeles Copy Share Image
There is nothing wrong with change, if it is in the right direction. — Winston Churchill Copy Share Image
The predation of wolves and women by those who misunderstand them is strikingly similar. — Clarissa Pinkola Estes Copy Share Image
Sometimes you just have to put on lip gloss and pretend to be psyched. — Mindy Kaling Copy Share Image
The new is not revealed to those whose eyse are fastened in worship upon the old. — Albert Pinkham Ryder Copy Share Image
“Her face looked like a fruit from which all the juice had been sucked.” — Brian Herbert Copy Share Image
People always ask me why everyone calls me black (im white)...now I just tell them its because I'm gifted — Luke Collins Copy Share Image
If only forgetting a person was as easy as forgetting why I open the fridge... — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
