Dear Girls, If a Boy Answers your Phone call during CHRIS GAYLE's Batting, He truly Loves you, Marry him — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
You only live once, for a very short time. So make every second devine. — Mitch Lucker Copy Share Image
I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me. — Stephen Fry Copy Share Image
The Security Agencies are reading everyone's email?? LOL I don't even read my own email — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
Roses are blue, violets are red, if you come near me one more time I will chop off your head! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Movies require a lot of patience. I like instant results. If I have done something that's not funny at all, the audience… — Vir Das Copy Share Image
STERILISE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“Wait, is this a nice-ish way of telling me we had sex and I was lousy? That's how you can tell I'm… — Molly Harper Copy Share Image
By nature, my default place is a very introverted one, so it's funny to be in such an extroverted profession. I'm a… — Elizabeth Marvel Copy Share Image
There is no difference between religion and politics. Both involve lies and fanatical beliefs that generaly defy logic... Just like rock climbing. — David Schuller Copy Share Image
I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good… — Colin Quinn Copy Share Image
When I watch movies with my kid like 'Shrek,' I'm like, 'Wow, this is pretty funny.' That's why I wanted to start… — Michael Pena Copy Share Image
Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I'm tall and thin but not strong, so you're either an athlete or you're funny. — Keegan-Michael Key Copy Share Image
“Well. Yes. Someone's trying to kill me. But you don't have to make such a big deal out of it.” — Sarah Rees Brennan Copy Share Image
When money grows on trees, you can bet there's a lot of grafting going on. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex. — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
That's the only dog I know who can smell someone just thinking about food. — Charles M. Schulz Copy Share Image
Wir mussen wissen. Wir werden wissen. We must know. We will know. Inscribed on his tomb in Gilttingen. — David Hilbert Copy Share Image
Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I have no agenda except to be funny. Neither I or the writers profess to offer any worldly wisdom. — Julia Louis-Dreyfus Copy Share Image
The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
And a flower, doesn't even know it's own beauty it's entire life. Sad, huh? — Miyavi Copy Share Image
I never really considered 'Quantum & Woody' a comedic book or a funny book. I never thought of it as a satire. — Christopher Priest Copy Share Image
“Professor Milligan will now play his tree! The composition is in A Minor, the tree is in A garden.” — Spike Milligan Copy Share Image
It's awful knowing that one seventh of our life will be wasted on Mondays. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
All that God asks you most pressingly is to go out of yourself … and let God be God in you — Meister Eckhart Copy Share Image
It's funny how we can remember all the words to a song but can't remember anything we studied — Corey Chevier Copy Share Image
“Orange: Uh Oh Mario: Uh oh what? Orange… Uh-Oh spaghettio's *LAUGH* Mario: Not Funny” — Annoying Orange Copy Share Image
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on. — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
