I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
The question is not what we intended ourselves to be, but what He intended us to be when He made us. — C. S. Lewis Copy Share Image
I just faced the ultimate rejection. I was masturbating and my hand fell asleep. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
One girl is a girl, two girls are half a girl, and three girls are no girl at all. — Vikrant Parsai Copy Share Image
Love is not what takes you by surprise and leaves you totally breathless! It's called asthma! -NeSha — Nesha Copy Share Image
I was watching Gene Simmons' TV show, Family Jewels. Or as it's known in the business, 'The Osbournes' Without the Talented Father. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I did a sitcom, and I really enjoyed looking for different ways to be funny - lifting that off of the page… — Yannick Bisson Copy Share Image
When you hear people speak in another language: 6% I wish I could speak that. 94% Those bitches better not be talking about me... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm eating right now and I'm not taking pictures of my food. Is that frowned upon these days? Does that make me… — Ephrem Hardin Copy Share Image
I arrived in the middle of a press conference - as boring a thing to sit through if you don't know the… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The execs don't care what color you are. They care about how much money you make. Hollywood is not really black or… — Will Smith Copy Share Image
Since I became more confident, I've thought, 'Right, let me get myself on the market'. So I joined Tinder and Chappie, and… — Calum Scott Copy Share Image
I don't see teenagers anymore. I see... I see youths. Slumped S shapes in their hoodies, all huddled round a bin of… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
Gene Richards swings, the ball bounces foul and hits him in the head. No harm done. — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
I accused my friend of being gay yesterday... He was so angry he hit me with his purse! — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I intended to give you some advice but now I remember how much is left over from last year unused. — George Harris Copy Share Image
A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah. — Ronald Reagan Copy Share Image
Chodan chodan sab kare chod sake na koijab kabeera chodan lage lund khare na hoye — Baba Burchodan Das Copy Share Image
I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small! — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Jim Apple finds introducing himself very problematic when holidaying in France. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
We cannot control what others do to us, but through God we can control the way we respond to them. — Joyce Meyer Copy Share Image
“I bought a zoo, which is funny, because I own the very place that should own me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
Hey that's not fair! - A dumb bitch realizing she got bad directions to the fair. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Certain directors have that eye where something is beautiful as well as funny. — Lolly Adefope Copy Share Image
The moment someone says, 'Hey, everyone, listen to the words in this song,' your party is over. — Amy Sedaris Copy Share Image
There's no abhorrence about wearing M&S. We just haven't been delighting the girls. — Stuart Rose Copy Share Image
Early to bed and early to rise makes a person dull, boring, and despised. — Ernie J Zelinski Copy Share Image
“Why does the world hate me?” They both laughed, but it wasn’t funny. SERIOUSLY. Why does the world hate me?” — Cora Carmack Copy Share Image
