Funny Quotes · Page 527

Girls work on their looks but not on their minds because they know boys are stupid, not blind.

— Anonymous

You're one of the few people I don't mind very briefly communicating with on a Monday.

— Anonymous

There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.

— Frank Carson

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

— Rita Rudner

It's not about trying to be funny all the time. It's more of a document that hopefully is funny.

— David Cross

He's a boy, and he's my friend...so techniqually he's my boyfriend..right?:)

— Rachel

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.

— Anonymous

“Thought for the day: Twitter...140 character limit...must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers...”

— E.A. Bucchianeri

“Don’t do it gurl,” he said with a wink. “You need to pretend like that phone is your best friend’s husband’s dick…

— Ethan Day

“We were just speaking to your friend here about the craft of brewing potions to enhance the libido. It seems he has…

— Alisha Basso

I was just a goofy little funny kid, who was always getting sent to the principal. It wasn't serious because I was…

— J. Cole

David Mamet's writing is pretty spectacular, obviously. I like the honesty of it; I like how funny it is and how sad…

— T. R. Knight

The education of this president [Obama] is a protracted and often amusing process . . . as he continues to alight upon…

— George Will

Not to brag but its women who always say 'SORRY' to me Like this women in bar last night said: SORRY Asshole,…

— Nikhil Saluja

It's funny, one of the reasons why I never wear my glasses any more is that, when I was younger, a guy…

— Danielle Panabaker

“That cat doesn't have a lick of sense,' I said, sighing. Well, honey, he's not right in the head,' Dad said, flipping…

— Haven Kimmel

Trust begets trust and untrust begets untrust. It's natural.

— Munshi Premchand

Friends are not perfect, sometimes they have funny ways, always laugh with them and not at them.

— Vikrant Parsai

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

— Jeff Foxworthy

We can only give away to others what we have inside ourselves.

— Wayne Dyer

I hope you get so many wedding gifts that you don't realize there are none from me.

— Anonymous

Add me on kik? I'm also getting a text free so you guys can text me without knowing my real number

— Anonymous

The more we dwell on what we don't want, the more we get it.

— Louise Hay

Even though you have free health care, I hope a firecracker doesn't blow off your thumbs this Canada Day.

— Anonymous

Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?

— Russell Howard

Elena, my four year old, says to me in all seriousness; "Mommy, you need to buy another baby".

— Ronald Reagan

It's funny how everyday seems the same, yet when you look back a lot has changed.

— Nikhil Saluja

If I'm in an uncomfortable situation, I think I can say something funny to defuse it. Sometimes you can't.

— Jack Whitehall

Be yourself! And then tell us about it! And then let's dance!

— Amy Poehler

Once you get past funny, my other qualities are so below average. It's not like I'm handy.

— Seth Meyers

We have so much time and so little to do. Strike that, reverse it.

— Roald Dahl

Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.

— Joan Rivers

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

— Nikhil Saluja

Books are slow. They require time; they are written slowly, published slowly, and read slowly.

— Lewis Buzbee

I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. then walk into a pole.

— Anonymous

What is wrong with the prosaic Englishman is what is wrong with the prosaic men of all countries: stupidity.

— George Bernard Shaw

When I drop my phone I act like I've let a newborn baby slip through my hands.

— Anonymous

If you're not doing some things that are crazy, then you're doing the wrong things.

— Larry Page

You said you wont leave me alone but where are you now? I'm alone again and I haven't forgotten about you.

— Nikhil Saluja

A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit.

— Nateman