Funny Quotes · Page 525

We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves.

— Marie Curie

I can be approached, but never pushed; befriended but never coerced; killed, but never shamed.

— Yi Sun-sin

“You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him participate in synchronized diving.”

— Cuthbert Soup

“What's wrong with her soul?" "Nothing.  She's just not actually in possession of it.”

— Rachel Vincent

“I confessed I did not have an opinion; I was only thirteen, and this was my very first dismemberment.”

— Rick Yancey

Don't you hate it when you're doing push-ups and you lose count after 1,000...

— Anonymous

I'm bringing sexy back Oh no. Hunny, your the reason it left.

— Anonymous

When someone points skyward, its the fool that looks at the finger.

— Ritu Ghatourey

America is a nation of 270 million people: 100 million of them are gangsters, another 100 million are hustlers, 50 million are…

— Tom Robbins

My dad's really funny. The male sense of humor - like my grandfather's and such - is pretty bizarre. Basically my dad's…

— Kurt Vile

I've just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn't know them, I wouldn't know they were funny from the television.…

— Norm MacDonald

The next time you find yourself in an argument, rather than defend your position, see if you can see the other point…

— Richard Carlson

We're happy that you were able to come to the wedding despite not having time to RSVP with the self addressed, pre-paid…

— Anonymous

I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating.

— Mark Twain

“Do we have a hand mirror?' I asked from the kitchen doorway. 'Never use one,' said Lester, examining the date on a…

— Phyllis Reynolds Naylor

There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want…

— George Burns

We want to ascribe a kind of tragic grimness to people, but people are funny.

— Luis Alberto Urrea

It's either the wallpaper or me. One of us has to go. [These were his dying words.]

— Oscar Wilde

Dor: there is a reason God lmits our days. Victor: why? Dor: to make each one precious.

— Mitch Albom

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

— Steven Wright

I was...labelled as an advocate because...I measured something.

— Jeremy Jackson

I'd have better people skills if I worked with better people.

— Anonymous

“Asia is an entertainment, Europe is a dream, America is an imprisonment and Rest is a nightmare.”

— Santosh Kalwar

Some theories are good for nothing except to be argued about.

— Georg C. Lichtenberg

The secret of our marriage is chemistry. She's on Valium and I'm on Prozac

— Green Monk

“I had a dream about you last night.. You kept screaming at Ted Danson to pour you a drink.”

— Amy Summers

Execute like there's no tomorrow, strategize like there will be.

— Aaron Levie

If I am occasionally a little over-dressed, I make up for it by being always immensely over-educated.

— Oscar Wilde

You'll never see the hacienda. It doesn't exist. The hacienda must be built.

— Ivan Chtcheglov

“Blankets are good to carry around if you want to be able to quickly black bag someone.”

— Nicole McKay

Those that innovate the future understand history the best.

— Rick Warren

T, at least once in your life you tried to drink out of the cup like a dog

— Anonymous

Its my bad luck that I cant differentiate between a candle and a woman ;both are bound to burn.

— Mohd Aariff Khan

The creatives are rarely professional and the professionals are rarely creative.

— Simon Sinek

I now know how uncomfortable most parents have it when they're having the sex talk with their children.

— Epifania Savea

If you text me and then within the next 3 minutes send me ???, you will not get a reply.

— Anonymous

Americans have mastered the art of living with the unacceptable.

— Breyten Breytenbach

We live in an age when pizza gets to your house before the police... but pizza is better than the cops

— Drew Fonner

Diapers And Politicians Should Be Changed Often Both For The Same Reason. Makes Perfect Sense.

— Pacifiersucker

I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.

— Bob Hope