Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Throwing a McDouble in the air at a fat camp and shouting, LET THE HUNGER GAMES BEGIN! — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I really hope that when someone puts my record on that they hear me. — Sharon Van Etten Copy Share Image
I'm not racist. I date women from other different races if they have pink nipples. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Whenever I talk with someone who stutters...I yell 'REMIX!' so they feel cool and shit. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My favourite comedian, of course, is Tim Conway. He has a way about him - being that belly-laugh kind of funny, and… — Carol Burnett Copy Share Image
“Why do you smoke so damn fast?" I asked. She looked at me and smiled widely, and such a wide smile on… — John Green Copy Share Image
We worship not the Graces, nor the Parcae, but Fashion. She spins and weaves and cuts with full authority. The head monkey… — Henry David Thoreau Copy Share Image
“Then, almost as an afterthought, she turned and locked the bathroom door. If he thought he was going to seduce her, make… — Maggie Shayne Copy Share Image
My friends say I make them laugh a lot, so I think that somewhere in me is a little comedic ability that… — Selenis Leyva Copy Share Image
All New Years is to me is for taking down your dumb Christmas decorations. People who put up Christmas decorations, all they're… — Rich Vos Copy Share Image
I read that John Hughes script for 'Mr. Mom,' and I thought, 'This guy is a funny writer.' I went: 'You ought… — Michael Keaton Copy Share Image
Only cataclysmic natural calamities need not necessarily be termed as the end of the world. Rapid decline of human values, crimes against… — Mak_786 Copy Share Image
