Funny Quotes · Page 517

Love is within us. It cannot be destroyed, but can only be hidden

— Marianne Williamson

All the Disney princesses gave me unrealistic expectations for my hair!

— Anonymous

There are times when a corps commander’s life does not count.

— Anonymous

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

— Mitch Hedberg

Whoever makes you smarter a little earlier in life makes you better

— Charlie Munger

Hang in, keep cool, and stay who you are. Things will improve.

— Alex Gaskarth

When I'm with my friends I'm funny, but I don't feel like I'm a funny clown

— Nora Dunn

Without the mind there is no Buddha. Without the Buddha there's no mind.

— Bodhidharma

With 'Always Be My Maybe,' this has to be funny; this has to be entertaining. And then, when we stop for these…

— Nahnatchka Khan

I do 5 sit-ups every morning. May not sound like much, but there's only so many times you can hit the snooze button...

— Anonymous

A nightmare would be when somebody is trying to be funnier than everyone else. And you've got a group scene or two-person…

— Scott Adsit

“I wish the Fallen would just come to us for a change.” Ironically, Fallen Angels dropped from the sky and surrounded us.…

— Laura Kreitzer

The last time Pena faced the Padres, the Dodgers scratched for a run to tie the game and then went on to…

— Jerry Coleman

No matter how bad your day is going, just remember that somewhere in the world someone just got a pubic hair in…

— Nikhil Saluja

The knowledge that my discriminations are skewed and not always universally desirable doesn't stop me in the least from making them.

— Phillip Lopate

What was funny if you were there is that we were all immensely sophisticated people who knew exactly what she was going…

— Anthony Holden

The awkward moment when teachers call it cheating but students call it teamwork.

— Anonymous

That awkward moment when people start stuff on your Facebook status and you just don't want to get involved.

— Anonymous

Don't call me an alcoholic, they drink everyday, I drink every night, I am a PROFESSIONAL!!! GET IT RIGHT!!

— Anonymous

We all love the kid who entertains the class by disrespecting the teacher but somehow NEVER gets in trouble.

— Anonymous

I find it hard to say, because when I was there it seemed to be shut.

— Clement Freud

What's this business of being a writer. It's just putting one word after another.

— Irving Thalberg

There are known knowns and known unknowns, but what we should be worried about most is the unknown unknowns.

— Gary Marcus

I was born intelligent but education ruined it. just kidding

— Michael Angelo De Leon

Age is something that doesnt matter, unless you are a cheese.

— Anonymous

No man is really successful until his mother-in-law admits it.

— Vikrant Parsai

I have no place in my life for someone who is sure he can do everything. --Steelmind

— Mercedes Lackey

This wine is forty years old. It certainly doesnt show its age.

— Anonymous

A females smile is better than the duckface…unless her teeth are fucked up. -Just Saying

— Ephrem Hardin

I'm looking for a woman who's head is mixed up like mine.

— Bob Dylan

A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.

— Robert Benchley

By the way, I'm funniest when I'm not being funny. I'm better to laugh at than with, pretty much.

— Jemima Kirke

Kagura: It’s the same as always. He doesn’t pursue those who leave, and ignores those who come.

— Hideaki Sorachi

Everything seem way longer when it's only a few minutes away.

— Anonymous

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

— Anonymous

The Tudors, I don't even know if I had a family back then.

— Karl Pilkington

“Would you look at you two? What's the special occa-ouch!”

— Virginia Smith

Nothing is like it seems, but everything is exactly like it is.

— Yogi Berra

“Very nice and funny, but he put the 'or' in man-whore.”

— J. Lynn

There are more 'Don'ts' in golf than there are in any other avocation in life.

— Arnold Haultain