The doctor told me not to lift anything heavy for a few weeks... So now I have to sit down when I… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
You can't be mad at people for being funny and putting on cool pants. You can get pants, too, if you want! — Rachel Sennott Copy Share Image
I have this horrible sense of humor where I think discomfort is funny - partly because I experience discomfort a lot, and… — Joaquin Phoenix Copy Share Image
The difference between a Normal Person and a Nerd…Nerd: I got one question wrong :(..Normal Person: I got one question right! :D — Anonymous Copy Share Image
There are a lot of funny people in my family. Absolutely. There were a lot of jokes growing up around the dinner… — Nate Corddry Copy Share Image
“Rock-Paper-Scissors for it.” “But you always cheat,” Blake whined. “And then you just punch me and growl that ‘rock beats face’.” — Kyle Adams Copy Share Image
Without forgiveness there can be no future for a relationship between individuals or within and between nations. — Desmond Tutu Copy Share Image
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
There is something about sex that always brings out the funny in me. I think it's because we make such fools of… — Rita Moreno Copy Share Image
In grammar class the teacher asks her student 'When you sing you say 'I sing' what do you say when your brother… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Mom, thanks for not being famous enough to adopt a black baby instead of having me. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Being seventy has its advantages. I was outspoken before, but now what have I got to keep quiet about? — Kirk Douglas Copy Share Image
Calling an engineer an applied scientist is like calling an artistic painter an applied pigment chemist — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
If lesbians aren't attracted to men, why are they attracted to women that look like men? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
People Spend Time For Earning Money & And Same Money Is Spent For Spending Time. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I'm going as a zombie for Halloween by slouching half-dead at my desk like every other day of the year. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Procrastination is assassination on the amazing future God has for you. — Perry Noble Copy Share Image
In the age in which we live, the impossible is every day losing ground. — Anne Sophie Swetchine Copy Share Image
Now listen, guuuyyysss! Come on guys. Let's all, come on, let's be simple about this. — Robert Pattinson Copy Share Image
Attitudes are contagious. Do you want people around you to catch yours? — Bob Moawad Copy Share Image
So you're a big fan of Marilyn Monroe and you know all her quotes? Cool, how many of her movies did you… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You can play the coolest tricks when people don't know that you have a twin. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
WIFE, Someone who is too beautiful for words -- but not for arguments; — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
