Funny Quotes · Page 514

Don't worry if you're single. Godis looking at you right now saying I'm saving this one for someone special.

— Anonymous

Isnt it funny, how the sweetest guy in the world can turn into the biggest jerk.

— Dev

I'm convinced of this: Good done anywhere is good done everywhere.

— Maya Angelou

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

— Groucho Marx

“You say very funny things. I am sorry I can't say funny things back. This is not a funny time for me.”

— Kurt Vonnegut

More isnt always better, Linus. Sometimes its just more.

— Julia Ormond

Let us be enraged about injustice, but let us not be destroyed by it.

— Bayard Rustin

I never made 'Who's Who,' but I'm featured in 'What's That?'

— Phyllis Diller

For every photo a girl posts of herself, there are 27 others in the exact same pose that weren't quite good enough.

— Anas

Scared the postman by going to the door naked. Im not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact…

— Azgraybebly Joslan

I've grown up around some incredibly funny people, which has been a blessing and curse because now I've been completely spoiled in…

— Dan Levy

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very…

— Pierre Marie Gallois

Now, mark it. This may be strong language, but heed it. The people mean it, and, my friends of the Eastern Democracy,…

— Anonymous

You know you deserve someone better when the one youve always fought for is also the one youve always cried for.

— Green Monk

They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy…

— Jim Norton

I love 'Another Round.' It's Heben Nigatu and Tracy Clayton's podcast that's through BuzzFeed, and they're real funny and really themselves. And…

— Josh Gondelman

If you go to Bed Bath & Beyond without a coupon, people will wonder if you're OK.

— John Pinette

I admit I feel funny when I use the word 'whom' as I'm talking to my diapered children, but I persist.

— Faith Salie

If you cant find the Any key on your laptop to continue try using a hammer a couple of times.

— Paul Kityo

A day without newspapers is like walking around without your pants on.

— Jerry Coleman

Lets Plan For A Movie 2day R U Free? If Yes.. Tum Apne Tv Pe Dekho, Mein Apne Tv Pe Dekhunga

— Mark

Forget butterflies...I feel the whole zoo when I am with you

— Katie Grabil

If you have a dream in your life, go ahead it's possible, go ahead

— Lyoto Machida

Remove failure as an option and your chances for success become infinitely better.

— Joan Lunden

I've learned that no matter how much I care,some people are just assholes.

— Nikhil Saluja

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

— Henny Youngman

No matter how old you are, if a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.

— Melania

If Tumblr and Twitter were school subjects, my parents would love me.

— Jenni Monroe

The Worst Pain In Life Is When Someone You Know Turns Into Someone You Knew..

— Anonymous

It's very funny to see a Justin Bieber song done by a bunch of grown men.

— Shawn Stockman

That annoying voice your mom uses when she's talking to babies

— Anonymous

If you have someone on the set for the hair, why would you not have someone for the words?

— Louis Malle

If I defected at all, I defected from the government to the public

— Edward Snowden

Retirement: When you quit working just before your heart does

— Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Dad, I'll always appreciate you sticking around after mom got fat...

— Anonymous

Unless your girlfriend is Rihanna, she's not gonna love the way you lie.

— Anonymous

I know what I'm thinking bout, I think. Nothing. And as much of it as I can.

— Alice Walker

Pro Publica distorts the relationship between organizations and their consultants,

— Scott Raab

“In America, the least amusing people are its professional entertainers.”

— Neil Postman

Everything in your life can change except ONE: your passion

— Paulo Coelho