“We seldom look up to the person; we usually look up to their persona.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
Like funny men, skilled diners are apparently perceived to have an evolutionary advantage. — Dana Goodyear Copy Share Image
Don't always go for the guys who can sweep you off your feet. They can drop you on your ass just as… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Actually, you’re not famous at all. Maybe you’ll get some traction after you’re dead? — Peter Orner Copy Share Image
The grass is greener on the other side, because that's where the dog has been shitting. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“ITS NOT FUNNY!" "You're right," agreed Sydney. "It's no funny. It's hilarious." We were back at Raymond's house, in the privacy of… — Richelle Mead Copy Share Image
Big story at the Olympics regarding Michael Phelps. He stepped out with his girlfriend for the first time. She is a 25-year-old… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Be careful who you're calling a child, Lois, because if I'm a child, that makes you a pedophile. And I'll be damned… — Peter Griffin Copy Share Image
“To ask a man whether or not he has a girlfriend is to talk about his sex life. If you disagree with… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
It is not for me to change you. The question is, how can I be of service to you without diminishing your… — R. Buckminster Fuller Copy Share Image
A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something brussel sprouts… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I smile because you're my Mother. I laugh because there's nothing you can do about it. Happy Mom's Day! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I think a lot of times on TV we see caricatures - that's what's funny. — Mayim Bialik Copy Share Image
If you look very intensely and slowly things will happen that you never dreamed of before. — Aaron Siskind Copy Share Image
Just wanted to congratulate myself on sitting through your graduation ceremony. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Angling is extremely time consuming. That's sort of the whole point. — Thomas McGuane Copy Share Image
Why are there some lipsticks like $30 please calm down you glorified red crayon — Chinier Bennett Copy Share Image
I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Everyone has that ex that they don't want the world to know they ever dated. — Celeste Hartman Copy Share Image
Funny, how moms can tell you what to do no matter how old or big you are. — Gabrielle Reece Copy Share Image
I just realized the tooth fairy teaches us to sell our body parts for money. O__o — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone elses can shorten it. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“It’s funny how even when you’ve lived with someone your whole life, they can still surprise you.” — Shannon Wiersbitzky Copy Share Image
Any damn fool can navigate the world sober. It takes a really good sailor to do it drunk. — Francis Chichester Copy Share Image
Being funny wasn't a career choice growing up, it was my way out of situations; a way to survive another day. — Tracy Morgan Copy Share Image
