Funny Quotes · Page 345

Use words that soak up life.

— Virginia Woolf

Whoever tells the best story wins.

— John Quincy Adams

The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself.

— Steve Martin

I miss you like a nose misses a fart.

— Anonymous

Opportunity comes to pass-not to pause.

— James Wallace

This Cruel Age has deflected me...

— Anna Akhmatova

What you become directly influences what you get.

— Jim Rohn

Too strong for that Bron Bron.

— Carlos Boozer

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

— Steven Wright

“I notice that I don’t experience much self-doubt when I’m talking about the weather.”

— Jason W. Freeman

“The only difference between me and a famous writer is that I do not want to be famous.”

— Santosh Kalwar

The question many have in the region is how not to squander the wealth like they did in the 1970s.

— Charles Salvador

I am here to serve. I am here to inspire. I am here to love. I am here to live my truth

— Deepak Chopra

Nothing is often a good thing to do and always a good thing to say.

— Will Durant

Though you should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it.

— Conan O'Brien

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

— Henny Youngman

I performed at Mom and Dad's party when I was four. Oh my gosh, I was singing a Madonna song, and I…

— Britney Spears

I served 18 months in Northern Ireland and that was very scary. I remember when we were told do you want the…

— Nigel Benn

When you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things. All right, you're a stand-up comedian, can…

— Mitch Hedberg

There is no path I follow. I feel as if I'm just drifting along, because although I can progress physically, through my…

— Steve Ovett

“Most of the people you read about being turned meet vamps in clubs or over the Internet...Ew, did you...?" "Yes, I met…

— Molly Harper

Sometimes I think I'm funny. But then sometimes I see myself, and I think, 'There's somebody trying to be funny.'

— Paul Rudd

“He had intended his address to be somewhat more comprehensive than this but was forced to cut it short, having been stabbed…

— Robert Kroese

“I cannot guarantee my attendance tomorrow morning," Merribeth said in all seriousness. "I distinctly heard my coverlet and pillow conspiring to hold…

— Vivienne Lorret

I make passes at men with mustaches.

— Risa Schizophrenia

I love you like octo-mom loves having children.

— Anonymous

My friend called me a negative person, I said No

— Migle Kacenaite

It's what runners do. We keep on keeping on

— Amby Burfoot

“Awesome ends with me; but Ugly starts with u...”

— Stephan

I don't accept flowers. I take nothing perishable.

— Paulette Goddard

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

— Rodney Dangerfield

You are going to visit the land of marvels.

— Jules Verne

I have had my fill of words and tearful farewells,

— Gannicus

The higher you go, the fewer women there are.

— Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

When the sun dies we will become one.

— Ruth Stone

Faith is taking God seriously.

— Derek Prince

No man is worth more than another, wherever he is from.

— Madeline Miller

There's always one more way to do something-- your way.

— Waylon Jennings

I have been searching for time past all my life.

— Jeanloup Sieff

We have to think before we act.

— Rand Paul