Funny Quotes · Page 247

Remember Whose you are and Whom you serve.

— Oswald Chambers

I love Jason Bateman. He's so funny.

— Alison Brie

My women are always victorious.

— Helmut Newton

Hold on tight, spider monkey!

— Edward Cullen

Things take the time they take. Don't worry.

— Mary Oliver

Acquire a firm will and the utmost patience.

— Anandamayi Ma

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

— Lewis Black

A person's life persuades better than his word.

— Aristotle

The disintegration of your marriage has greatly improved my social life.

— Anonymous

I was the troublemaker, always being funny - that's just who I am.

— Joan Smalls

You can tell a lot about a person by their car… For example, if it's in a ditch, it's a woman.

— Nikhil Saluja

Thanks to the catastrophic greenhouse effect, Labor Day no longer signifies the end of summer.

— Anonymous

Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take 13 of them motherf***ers, it'll be your last headache.

— Katt Williams

“Say fuck the hole day, geuss what. By the end of that day you'ld achieve more happiness then if you did not ~”

— Patricio Telman Chincocolo

You call it it multiple personalities, I call it social networking in my head!

— Green Monk

How many processes are going on, to keep that teacup level in your grasp? There must be a hundred of them.

— Marvin Minsky

“The only time I drink milk is when I drink coffee. I make love the same way—contributing 2% as I just sort…

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

When I see something, I know why something's funny or seems to be funny. But in the end it's just another picture…

— Garry Winogrand

3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it…

— Meee

“After the murderous attacks on September 11th, I had an overwhelming need to know what people hated most about America so we…

— Scott Haas

We start dying when we have nothing worth living for. And we don't really start living until we find something worth dying…

— Mark Batterson

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that…

— Jerry Seinfeld

The awkward moment, when you have anticipated a first kiss from someone you really like and their breath hits you before their…

— Rashida Rowe

Some of my favorites include 'Walking the Room' and 'Never Not Funny' and 'FitzDog Radio', Greg Fitzsimmons' podcast.

— Nikki Glaser

Be what I think? But I think of being so many things!

— Fernando Pessoa

They be starin at the money like it's unfamiliar

— Drake

LOL...she's so innocent like me :p :D ;)

— Anonymous

I giggle when I put myself down. It's just funny to me.

— Pauly Shore

Opposition strengthens the manly will.

— Amos Bronson Alcott

I'll just have itchy, watery eyes!

— Jeff Foxworthy

Nothing is hidden under the sun.

— Leonardo da Vinci

I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. Call 1-800-CRYBABY

— Green Monk

Trust me, I know what I'm doing,

— David Rasche

Yes, Sept 11th was unfortunate

— Geri Halliwell

The harder you work, the luckier you become.

— Carl Karcher

Life's too damn funny for me to explain.

— Don Marquis

Leadership is about empathy.

— Oprah Winfrey

Me jealous of you? Haha, youre funny.

— Anonymous

Let them impeach and be damned.

— Andrew Johnson

We have to see that all of us are in the same boat.

— Dorothy Height