Funny Quotes · Page 220

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.

— Anonymous

I can't be under arrest now... I don't have time.

— Jim Butcher

I love the edited version of it.

— Terry Gross

I know it's not ordinary. But who ever loved ordinary?

— Joan Clarke

Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'.

— Billy Preston

I'm drunk..i'm high so high and I can kick the sky.

— Raghav Singh

The Irish ignore anything they can't drink or punch.

— Anonymous

It is the foregiver who is freed in foregiving.

— Leo Buscaglia

Be thankful you're alive, have as much sex as possible. Because you will be a full on boner soon.

— Jeremy Limn

I always had a group of friends who were funny, and we'd do sketches for the talent show.

— Heidi Gardner

Tomorrow night is nothing but one long sleepless wrestle with yesterdays omissions and regrets.

— Anonymous

That awkward moment when you have to fart. butt ur afraid of how it's going to sound

— Blah

“I can't believe he stabbed the guy. Eight years old. I'm the most irresponsible kidnapper ever.”

— Joey Comeau

I talk to God and make deals with him every time I gamble. Otherwise, I leave him alone.

— Max Rubin

Nobody wants to follow somebody who doesn't know where he's going.

— Joe Namath

A person who wasn't outraged on first hearing about quantum theory didn't understand what had been said.

— Niels Bohr

“You need a job and I need a PA, why don’t you come and work for me?” “No thanks, God knows what…

— L.H. Cosway

A friend of mine from college is married to Neil Levy, who started on 'Saturday Night Live' in the early days and…

— Richard LaGravenese

“Nix and Emma: 'Looks like you just found a new talent.' 'Great. Why couldn't I be good at underwater origami or something?”

— Kresley Cole

All the dramas I admire most - 'Six Feet Under,' 'The Sopranos' - even when the scenes aren't laugh-out-loud funny, per se,…

— Jesse Armstrong

I don't need beer to have a good time, I just need it to focus, avoid depression, good tweets, fall asleep, and…

— Nikhil Saluja

“So I flirt with disaster once or twice. Who doesn’t?” He snorted. “You don’t just flirt with disaster, you have intercourse with…

— Dannika Dark

“Relatives come to your house and make fun of you. Then you go as a relative to their house and make fun…

— Nitya Prakash

The funny thing I thought was, no matter what, people talked bad about cops. But as soon as something bad happened, when…

— Benson Henderson

What year did Jesus think it was?

— George Carlin

I've gone where the hand of man has never set foot.

— Samuel Goldwyn

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

— Nikhil Saluja

Success comes in cans, not can'ts.

— Brian Tracy

Where do ideas come from? Ideas come from other ideas.

— Ira Glass

It is good to love many things

— Vincent Van Gogh

Of all my books, I find only a few indispensible.

— Rainer Maria Rilke

How did he do it? He must be a genius!

— Gian-Carlo Rota

If You Know Who Damon Fizzy Is. Your Awesome!(:

— Anonymous

You don’t choose a story, it chooses you.

— Robert Penn Warren

A good cover has a distinct silhouette

— J. C. Leyendecker

I'm too fast. I'm too smart. I'm too pretty.

— Muhammad Ali

Religion is detrimental to the progress of society.

— Bill Maher

Now is the time for all good men to come to.

— Walt Kelly

If Boys suck then what a girl does???

— Shubham Joshi

The other day a dog peed on me. A bad sign.

— H. L. Mencken