Funny Quotes · Page 173

To be almost saved is to be totally lost.

— Adrian Rogers

You Be On That Minor League I Smoke Professionally!!!

— Anonymous

You have to do disappointment twice.

— Jess Walter

Any enjoyment is weakened when shared.

— Marquis de Sade

I wish my marriage had autocorrect.

— Green Monk

I did the best I could with what I had.

— Philip Roth

No prayer is complete without presence.

— Rumi

A movie is never finished, only abandoned.

— George Lucas

I'm an appalling cook. I can just about create a glass of orange juice and a ham-and-cheese sandwich.

— Dara O Briain

When I'm bored, nobody texts me. When I'm busy, BAM! I'm the most popular kid on the plane

— Anonymous

You're something that someone would only meet in a nightmare.

— Anonymous

I do not think discursively. It is not so much that I arrive at truth as that I take my start from…

— Nikolai Berdyaev

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're...you're...booty call!

— Mustache Man

Bread that must be sliced with an axe is bread that is too nourishing.

— Fran Lebowitz

A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours.

— Ronald Reagan

Life to me is an adventure and you've got to experience everything.

— Joey Ramone

“He stared at her neck. Realization pulsed. He was looking at the bite he had given her. A hard length was growing…

— Thea Harrison

Funny and sad are two sides of the same coin. I think that most comedians are able to tap into deep subject…

— Hasan Minhaj

Once, I was doing Bon Qui Qui in Miami, and this black girl was in the audience, and she yelled out, 'That's…

— Anjelah Johnson

It's a guy thing really means There's no rational thought pattern connected with it and you can't make it logical.

— Nikhil Saluja

For my first gig, I got $75. I could make money being funny, so I pursued it as a career and have…

— Tracy Morgan

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I…

— Tim Vine

“how tall is it?" [The Harps] "according to the sagas, it links through time and space and keeps our world and your…

— Kathryn James

Fast pitch softball is just as dangerous as baseball. The ball is bigger so you can see it better, but the size…

— Sara Gilbert

There always have been funny women.

— Vanessa Bayer

Be appreciative... that's what keeps me happy.

— Pharrell Williams

“May the week end But the weekend never end”

— Hrishikesh Agnihotri

A girl works out. The woman works you out. In bed.

— Nikhil Saluja

Dear Youtube, I will always Skip this ad.

— Ritu Ghatourey

Why are old maps always burnt?

— Chelsea Peretti

Remove failure as an option.

— Joan Lunden

He's mad that trusts in the tameness of a wolf.

— William Shakespeare

Happiness is inside you, not with another person

— John Lennon

What if ______? That won't happen! I said WHAT IF!

— Anonymous

Crawfish have ding dongs and vaginas.

— Phil Robertson

If you round out your edges, you lose your edge.

— Danielle LaPorte

My life didn't really begin until I met Ronnie.

— Nancy Reagan

All advertising advertises advertising.

— Marshall McLuhan

Whatever prepares you for death enhances life.

— Stephen Levine

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

— Nikhil Saluja